Dangerously Low Self-Esteem

by Envy - 6:20 PM

Some time ago my dad and I were discussing a trip to Egypt. I was already picturing myself in front of pyramids, taking pictures of camels and freaking out over crocodiles. My dad was thinking of something else entirely. 'Maybe I could trade you for camels,' he joked. 'Young blond girl should fetch quite a few, don't you think?'

I snorted. 'They'll give you one crippled camel for me - if you're lucky.'

The minute I said those words, all hell broke loose. My dad was furious. He couldn't believe I'd spoken about myself like that. 'Don't you ever say those words again!' he yelled loud enough for the entire town to hear. I, as the more or less good daughter that I am, never said it again. Yet I've thought it many times: at the very best I'm worth one crippled camel.

I know that I have self-esteem issues. If you look 'insecure' up in the dictionary, it'll show you a picture of me. I can't even remember a time when I wasn't insecure. There's always something about myself that I hate. Not just dislike, no, pure strong hate. If you'd ask me to describe myself, I'd say I'm an ugly, nasty, selfish person. Maybe that's not really the person I am, but it's certainly the person everyone always told me I am. If people tell you something every day, the chance that you'll start believing what they say are huge. Sadly, I was always told I'm ugly. Not just my playground nemesis said I was ugly when we were in kindergarten, throughout the years my teachers and friends said it too. Even strangers said it. At first I didn't believe it, but as I turned 17, not a single guy had ever shown genuine interest in me. By then, I was already convinced I was ugly, but from that moment on I saw it as the main reason why I didn't have a lot of friends or a boyfriend. Old insults started to haunt me again. "Your nose is huge." "Your eyebrows make you look like an ape." "If an orc had a miscarriage that somehow manages to grow up, it would look exactly like you."

The words echoed through my mind every time I looked in the mirror. For a while I even avoided mirrors. I avoided group pictures. I avoided everything that could show me my face. I hated it. Everyone else hated it, they told me so, didn't they?

I grew a little older, but not much wiser. Friends began to tell me that it's the inside that counts. But nothing changed: I was still a loner at 19. Clearly something more than just my face was wrong with me. Was my inside worthless too?

I was told that I was arrogant and selfish. I was told that I was annoying, a pain in the ass, not good enough. Not good enough. Those words made themselves a permanent home in my brain and in my heart.

I'm lucky though. I have some close friends, a family that cares about me. But the minute I'm being ignored in a group chat, the minute a friend cancels plans, I think it's because of me. Because I'm not good enough to be their friend. I'm not good enough to be around...

Some people tried to help me. They told me they thought I was pretty, but I didn't believe them. These people were my close friends and they had to think I was pretty. That's what friends are for, right? Friends like each other, both their perfect parts and their gigantic flaws.

I didn't believe the people who tried to help me. I realized that. I think I somehow knew I had solve my self-esteem issues by myself.

I don't hate myself anymore, at least not as much as I hated myself when I was 17. I don't know what changed, but something changed for the better, even if it's only a little. I still think I'm not good enough, that that's why I'm always alone. But I can look at myself in the mirror again. I'm part of all my class's group pictures now, most of the time even standing right in the middle. It'll be a while before I'm the one who takes the picture, but at least I'm part of it now. I can even take selfies on good days. Okay, I filter and change those selfies until I don't look like myself anymore, but on good days, I think I'm worth a picture. On those days, I'm almost good enough. Almost, not quite. There's always this little voice in the back of my mind, telling me I'll always be ugly and worthless. That voice sounds like my high school 'friends', who told me not to take selfies: a picture of my face was the ugliest profile picture they'd ever seen, they said, behind my back, but loud enough for me to hear it. That voice, that mean little voice, is the main reason why my selfies often look sad.

A friend of mine once said that I'm awesome when I'm not insecure. I laughed at that. After all, I'm always insecure. Yet somehow he inspired me that day. I don't want to be insecure anymore. I don't want t go around, thinking I'm the ugliest girl on the planet. I don't want to think that I'm not good enough for my friends, neither do I want to think that I'm only worth a crippled camel. I want to be awesome. I want to be that confident blogger you know all the time.

I have a long way to go. There'll be many days on which I wake up, hating myself. But there'll also be days when I just try to be the best person I can. If the best person I can be isn't good enough for someone, that should be their problem, not mine.

Stay Awesome!

Tags : Part of Me, Series of Serious Subjects

10 Fellow Ramblers

UnknownDecember 20, 2015 at 9:43 PM
*hugs Envy and all other insecure girls*

Have a great week,
Kate @ majesticgoldenrose.weebly.com
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cDecember 20, 2015 at 11:56 PM
Anyone worth your time will make time for you. I always feel I only get invited to social things if it's unavoidable, or people don't really want to get to know me, but I have to tell myself I'm projecting my own issues onto other people and I need to treat myself how I want to be treated. Also, it's easy to become disillusioned with myself, when in reality I might just be surrounded by idiots or people who don't understand me.

I was just binge-reading your blog and you're definitely an entertaining, witty and cool person, I think other people aren't on the same wavelength as you so it can be hard to connect with them, and even if the people who matter are hard to find, it's better to have a few fulfilling friendships (and a good understanding of yourself) in life than a lot of meaningless, perfunctory ones. Don't listen to anyone saying you're ugly, if they can't see the beauty in you they don't deserve your time. I hope you start feeling more confident soon, but even if you don't, you have a lot of years to discover yourself and what/the people who make you happier :)
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UnknownDecember 21, 2015 at 2:40 AM
Everyone has flaws and sometimes we all can feel ugly but it's when you accept that fact no one can use it against you.

"If the best person I can be isn't good enough for someone, that should be their problem, not mine."
That shows your side of strength and how you've managed to keep going on, no matter what others said. Keep it up, Envy! :)

-Kathie K
A Sea Change
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Kanra KhanDecember 22, 2015 at 4:43 PM
Whoever judges solely on appearance sounds pretty insecure to me D: and to have these judgments dictated out loud- well, that just sounds like an overall awful person.
Personally though, I can relate in the sense that I'm OK with my face but not with my physique. But my physique still shows up on pictures so I used to be the one behind the camera until some switch flipped and now I don't even bother anymore. Maybe it's because everyone is so busy looking for themselves in the picture that no one is going to comment on me? I'm more than happy with that.
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c l a i r e December 30, 2015 at 8:11 PM
You seem like a lovely person, and I'm sorry that you feel insecure. :C
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