Lost in Translation: Attempt at Humor

Believe it or not, but I made it to the ripe old age of 20 without ever drinking a cup of coffee. The reason for this was simple: every time I tasted the stuff, I gagged, made myself a cup of tea instead, then felt guilty for cheating on tea, one of the loves of my life.
However, not too long ago I decided I wanted to give coffee a second chance. After all, everyone and everything deserve a second chance. Or in this case a third chance. And a fourth. And a fifth... So one day in Antwerp I ordered a cup of coffee. Okay, it wasn't entirely voluntary, but I was too curious to let the opportunity slide. Here's what I thought while trying to drink a cup of coffee for the first time. Spoiler: it didn't go too well...

Why doesn't this place sell hot chocolate?
Look, I understand that this place is Instagrammable. And I know that it has free wifi, which is a basic need for a millennial like me. I've also heard that coffee is a basic need too, but I beg to differ. I need some hot chocolate in my system. Why doesn't this place have hot chocolate. I swear I'll deduct brownie points for not having hot chocolate!

Indian Summer sounds interesting

Okay, so no hot chocolate. I guess this coffee drinking thing really is going to happen. But why all the weird and fancy names? Can't I just have coffee. Coffee coffee, no weirdness? I mean, what the eff is Indian Summer supposed to be? Okay it actually sounds exactly pretentious enough for me to order and exactly neutral enough not to send my tongue to its early death. I guess I'll give it a shot then.

Why is that cup bigger than my head?

This thing is huge! Like, huge huge! How is this coffee for one person? I swear a whole Indian village could drink from this cup! Bad Envy, that wasn't even a coffee pun, it was just bad. Just drink the damn stuff already, okay?

This is the most aesthetically pleasing place I've been to in ages

No I'm not avoiding drinking coffee at all by looking at the options for fancy Instagram posts. But look at this place, it's so cute and charming and all the other nice English adjectives I usually replace with 'awesome'! Except for that staircase. I do not like that much, even though it looks good in a picture. And I'm definitely not putting this whole drinking coffee thing off now by taking pictures. Nah ah. Absolutely not.

Shit, my whipped cream is starting to drip

Oh no, oh no, this is not good. Especially not considering that whipped cream is probably going to be the best part of this whole thing. Don't drip, please don't drip!

I'm getting a huge deja vu from that second date when I dumped a load of whipped cream in my hot chocolate and the stuff ended up everywhere. Why don't I learn from my mistakes?

Shit shit shit shit SHIT

So apparently yelling 'Don't drip!' doesn't stop whipped cream from dripping down the side of my cup. What do I do now? I need help...

Okay, crisis averted

I'll admit it, I don't look particularly charming licking the side of my cup, but at least the whipped cream isn't dripping anymore. I'm the best at crisis management. Not the best at drinking coffee, but I'll get to that later. I mean, who would even think of drinking coffee when you have a calamity such as dripping whipped cream on your hands?

Whipped cream is the best

You know, after crisis management has been completed, the most important thing is to make sure the crisis won't occur again in the foreseeable future. So it'd be wise for me to eat all the whipped cream now. Not just because it's extremely tasty and I'm scared to taste coffee. No, that has nothing to do with it. Just me being sensible, that's all.

OMG this stuff is bitter

Okay, I can't avoid drinking it any longer, which I totally wasn't doing by the way. I was just mentally preparing for the big moment. Trying coffee in three... two... one point five... one...

Why did I try this? Why did I think this was a good idea? This is not okay! NOT OKAY!

OMG this stuff is the best
But, wait. What is this? They always say stuff gets better and then it doesn't and I'm all disappointed, but... it's true for coffee? Let me try again. This is definitely getting better. And better. Oh my god this stuff is great. I apologize to all the coffee gods in the coffee heaven above for my blasphemous thoughts throughout the years. I can get used to this. Coffee is great. As long as I don't have to crisis manage whipped cream every time I drink it.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I met coffee. Since then, we've decided to take it slow. Slow meaning that we haven't seen each other since, but I'm pretty sure we'll pick things up right where we left them on that February day in Antwerp. How's your relationship with coffee? Don't be shy, it can't be worse than mine!

x Envy

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Dear glasses,
We've been together since December 2011. I remember the first time I saw you very well. I feel head over heels in love with you. Yet here we are, four years later, and it's time to say goodbye.

To be perfectly honest, I'm glad it's over between us. Ever since my dad stepped on you, things haven't been the same. Multiple times you almost broke and the last couple of weeks I didn't dare fold you (if that's how you say it, probably not) in case you'd break for good. But let's face it, things have been going downhill for a long time. You were always lost. Okay, I admit that it was my mistake that I lost you in my wardrobe. I shouldn't have left you there when I went downstairs to get a cookie. That was my fault. But that time you fell behind a pile of towels while I was in the shower? Or that time I took a nap and you disappeared under the couch? That was your fault, 100% your fault.
And don't get me started on all those times when you fogged up in the winter, or even when it was 20 degrees Celsius outside and I tried to drink tea. The exact opposite bugged me too: when I needed you to fog up in the middle of summer, you wouldn't. How was I supposed to clean you on those days if you wouldn't fog up? Apart from that, would it kill you to stay clean for a second? These last few months no one has been able to clean you. Not even my mom and she can get anything clean!
Seriously, glasses, I know I'm not an easy person, but sometimes you seemed yo go out of your way to annoy me. Every time I put my headphones on, you seemed to be trying to enter my skull. The pain you caused me almost drove me crazy. Taking a nap or just lying down on the couch while watching tv was also impossible because of you. I'm not an easy person, but you weren't easy either. Life together was no walk in the park...

But in the end, my dear glasses, I loved you for most of those four years we spent together. We've seen some amazing places. You've enabled me to see the sun rise over Ayer's Rock and Machu Picchu, you've helped me to see cars coming at me from all sides on my driving exam and you made me see the wonderful grades I graduated high school with.
You've helped me see for four years. That's a long time and that's why I forgive you for all your highly annoying flaws. Time to pass the baton to these awesome guys.

Don't be a stranger, take care and...
Stay Awesome!

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In the short 17 years of my life, I've camped on three continents: North America, Australia (or Oceania if that's what makes you happy) and ofcourse my own continent, Europe.
Of all three, Europe is the one that has caused me the most trouble. Yes, I am bored with my own continent, but that's not the reason why camping here puts me through so much trouble. So I present you: Envy's list of awful things on European campgrounds.

The Wild Animals

I was eight when I camped in the US. We were on a campground near the Grand Canyon and at night I could hear the coyotes howl. They howled loud, it sounded as if they had surrounded our tent.

I was sixteen when I camped in the Australian Outback. I woke up at night to hear something creep between our swags. The Chinese next to me woke up and began talking to his fiancee in rapid Kantonese. The only word I understood was 'Dingo!'

But the thing is: you expect these things when you go camping there. You know about the coyotes and dingoes. But in Europe, the most dangerous animal you can encounter is the campgroundowner's cat. Or at least, that's what it feels like (especially the Dutch tend to forget that the wolf has made its comeback in the Netherlands, or that bears are still living in the Pyrenees).

You don't expect 'dangerous' wild animals that might bite you, not in the safe heaven called Europe. So what happens if your tent almost gets washed away in a storm and you wake up to the sounds of a fox trying to enter your tent? You scream, fall of your air mattress and shake the entire tent until the fox leaves. That's how we handle unexpected encounters the Envy-style.

The Sanitary Buildings

I'll never forget that my tour guide in the Kakadu National Park, Northern Territory, Australia, told me to check underneath the toilet seat for redbacks if I had to go to the toilet.

No such things in Europe. Cobwebs: yes. Dangerous spiders: no. Snails: everywhere. Sometimes there were snails on the bathroom walls. At least they're not dangerous, only gross. But as disgusting as that is, it's not the big problem with European sanitary buildings on campgrounds.

Then what ís the problem? They're dirty. More often than not the toilet hasn't been flushed. Don't even ask when it was cleaned for the last time, just don't. And in the really bad cases, people crap literally on the toilet seat and just leave it there. It's so disgusting.

Yes, I've seen this in Australia and the US too, but not half as often as in Europe.

And to increase the fun of going to the toilet, the French have invented those toilets which aren't much more than a hole in the ground. Missed the hole? No problem, there's a garden hose to wash it away- if you're lucky. Otherwise: run and don't look back.

The Language Barriers

With Dutch language education at a miserably low level, camping in Europe isn't as easy as it sounds. In Australia and the US English is enough, you're good to go wherever you want. But Europe is a patchwork of languages. Going to France? Make sure you speak French. Going to Germany? Better learn some German.

But the worst of it is not being able to communicate with your neigbors. Asking them to be quiet will have to be done in their language. English isn't an option, unless you start dropping F-bombs, which will only make things worse.

The Pink Toilet Paper

Sometimes you're at a campground that doesn't provide toilet paper and you'll have to get your own. Which isn't a problem. Just get the cheapest toilet paper available from the supermarket. And then you see that the cheapest toilet paper is pink.

Going to the toilet just got at least a hundred times worse. Walking to the sanitary building with toilet paper under your arm is like screaming: 'Look at me, I'm a big girl, I'm going to pee and poop all by myself already!'

The same thing with pink toilet paper is like screaming: 'Look at me, I'm going to have a Disney Princess Tea Party on the crapper!'

I can stand the noisy neigbors, I will survive the animals and dirty sanitary building. But PINK toilet paper? That's it, Europe, you've crossed a line. I'm out.

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The Wild Animals

The Sanitary Buildings

The Language Barriers

The Pink Toilet Paper

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