Inside the Mind of a Teenage Insomniac

by - 8:57 PM

Over the past couple of weeks I've had a lot of trouble sleeping. That's not new to me: I was born with a sleep disorder. Some gland in my brain doesn't make enough melatonin to make me fall asleep, so every night I take two little melatonin pills to help me sleep. Most of the time that works great, but sometimes... sometimes it doesn't work at all. That's when I find myself panicking, overthinking and going crazy over nothing.
 This is what a sleepless night looks like when you have a sleep disorder.

9.55pm I am so awake. Seriously, I want to go out and do something. How is that even possible after tonight's workout?
10.05pm Maybe I should read a little. That usually helps. Not too long though, I have to study tomorrow and I can't do that when I'm tired.
10.30pm I should go to sleep now.
11.20pm Why am I still awake? I should be sleeping by now. Wait, did I take my pills? I can't remember. I guess I didn't. If I take them now I'll be asleep in an hour. That'd be nice.
11.45pm When I lay on my side, with my right ear on my pillow, I can hear my own heartbeat. It's annoying. Right now I wish I didn't have a heartbeat.
11.50pm I might as well read a chapter or two. I'm still not sleepy at all.
12.15am Hold on a second, did I take my medication tonight? When did I take it? Why isn't it working already if I took it?
12.15am *Random thoughts about Captain America*
12.40am What if I never sleep again?
12.50am What if I only sleep for an hour and I won't be able to study tomorrow because I'm tired and I'll fail my final just because I can't sleep tonight?

source
1.15am It's Wednesday tomorrow. Or today. Depends on how you look at it. Technically it's Wednesday already. Anyway, I don't have to go to college on Wednesdays, so way am I panicking? If I don't sleep now, I can try to take a nap in the afternoon.
1.35am Crap, I still have to go to a German movie to make up for that time in Vienna when I didn't go to the cinema. And thanks to Stefanie I can go all by myself. Stupid Stefanie. Makes me miss out on college credits.
1.40am I can still hear my heartbeat. It's still annoying.
1.55am Oh well, who needs sleep anyway?
3.45am What happened to the past two hours, where did they go? Did I sleep? That's impossible, I'm wide awake now! But if I didn't sleep, why can't I remember a single thing from the past two hours?
3.50am I should charge my phone.
4.05am Oh Envy, why did you do that? Why did you send that poor guy that message? It's 4.05am, for God's sake! It's not like you'll be able to sleep if he knows that you can't sleep.
4.15am I could try to study a little already... but my eyes sting. Ouch, the light hurts them even more. I guess no early morning studying for me today.
4.20am *Random thoughts about the Avengers*
4.45am 'Go to a doctor'? No thanks, dude, last time I did that he secretly changed my prescription and I ended up with placebos instead of the medication I needed.
4.50am Oh greats, I can hear birds singing now. More stuff to keep me awake.
4.55am Maybe I should write all this down and make a blog post out of it.
5.00am *Random thoughts about Quicksilver*
5.15am I am so sleepy right now. Maybe I should take one more melatonin pill. Who knows, I might be able to sleep for a while.
5.20am Nooooooooo. Bed sheets, why are you falling to the floor?! Why are you doing this to me?! Don't leave me here all by myself!
5.30am Oh, that's my dad's alarm clock. I guess he's going to have breakfast now. I'm actually quite hungry too. But I've finally found a comfortable sleeping position.
5.40am Okay, this is pointless. I'm going to get out of bed and eat a cracker.

That's how I ended up writing this blog post on an old notepad, while having a very early breakfast with my dad. It was 6.05am by the time I finished writing the draft. Ten minutes later I finally fell asleep...

Stay Awesome!

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21 Fellow Ramblers

  1. I'm sorry to hear you have insomnia. But that last thought?!? HILARIOUS!!

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    1. Hahahaha, I'm glad to see you enjoyed this post :)
      Insomnia isn't that bad, I guess. Most of the time my medication works perfectly fine, but once every three months or so, this happens.

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  2. I sometimes have insomnia, but most days I think for an hour and then sleep. I totally relate to the time; where did it go? :P

    xoxo Morning

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    1. Oh, that sounds so great, thinking for an hour then falling asleep...
      I prefer those moments when I don't know where time went to the moments where I'm just watching the minutes pass. I always convince myself that I slept during those moments I can't remember and somehow that makes me feel better about not sleeping for the rest of the night :P

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  3. Hey,

    I am totally awake now when it is 6:11am. What a coincidence to read this when I'm currently not able to sleep!

    Khalisah
    TheScribblesOfJoy

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    1. Hahahaha, funny coincidence. Hope you fell asleep shortly after reading though!

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  4. That sounds like hell. I was up at 3 this morning for a flight, and I kept falling asleep, you're amazing for going on with it :)
    Also, I absolutely sympathise with all the *random thoughts* ;)
    Eve @ Pen and Key

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    1. Thank you :) The random thoughts were my favorite part of that night :)
      It's worse the next day, when I have classes and people who want to talk to me... On the bright side: when I have to get up at 3am for a flight I don't fall asleep all the time :P

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    2. Random thoughts are always my favourite :)
      Chipper people when you haven't had much sleep is awful, it feels like they're invading on your tiredness!
      Eve

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  5. That sounds horrible! I am the exact opposite. I fall asleep really easily, and way too early. Sometimes, it can be a curse.

    ~Noor

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    1. To me, falling asleep easily and early sounds like heaven :P

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  6. Aww :/ I'm the kind of person who falls asleep in class and in the library.
    Once, we were watching this dissection video (which was 2 hours long) and I put my bag on the desk and fell asleep and I woke up an hour later and I found out I'd drooled on my sleeve and the teacher was right behind me and she's like "Have you seen this video before? Are you sitting in class to learn? Are you really benefiting from this session?" and I'm like "Yes ma'am definitely, it's a great session, learning alot, yes" and she's just staring at me and then she's like "ok".
    And also, my mind stops working at 8pm, it's very inconvenient :(

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    1. That story made me laugh (for the first time today) :)
      I had the same thing in 8th grade sience class. Fell asleep right in front of the teacher's desk. He didn't notice a thing though. I'm actually quite proud of that.
      8pm is the moment when my mind starts working :P

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  7. I completely feel, especially the heartbeat thing; but not quite to that extent. It takes me a maximum of three hours to fall asleep I'd say, but that's usually if I slept late that morning. This sounds like a terrible experience and I hope you're able to sleep better soon. But hey, at least you're having loads of time to do some nighttime thinking?

    -M
    The Life of Little Me

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    1. It doesn't matter how late I slept in the morning, if my medication doesn't work properly it can take me up to ten hours to fall asleep.
      I've done so much thinking over the past couple of nights that I'm afraid there's not much left to think about :P I'll probably be able to sleep better after finals, which will start in a few days...

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  8. There are times when I can't sleep at night. I just stay in bed for hours wondering how to fall asleep. I end up staying awake for hours, probably till 4am or 5am in the morning. I go through that thing too when I stay awake, I keep thinking if I did close my eyes and take a nap for a few minutes because what happens before that seems like a blur. The next day though is extremely tiring for me :P

    -Kathie K
    A Sea Change

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    1. That's exactly what I go through every now and then when the medication doesn't work... The biggest problem for me is that I panic when I can't figure out how to fall asleep :P
      I usually walk around like a zombie the next day. This time I was lucky that I had the next day off :)

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  9. this is so accurate it kills me. lol. I had terrible insomnia for like a year. and lately Ive been having a hard time sleeping again. so I totalllllllyyyyyy understand! lucky for me it comes and goes; but man....I am SO sorry you have to deal with this all the time:( thats gotta suck

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    1. It does suck, but I can get medication because it's a permanent issue. I am sorry for you that you have the kind that comes and goes... That's gotta suck too... Hope we'll both be able to sleep better soon!

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  10. *random thoughts about Captain America* *random thoughts about Avengers* *random thoughts about Quicksilver* all same tbh

    My issue isn't falling asleep; it's staying asleep. Waking up at 2 a.m. and just staring into the dark room until 7 when my dad throws open my door and demands to know why I'm so sleepy. It really sucks when you're heavily tired but can't sleep. It actually ticks me off. Hopefully it'll get better.

    O | Life as a Young Lady

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    1. Staying asleep used to be the problem when I was younger, because I had so many ideas in my sleep of what I was going to do when I woke up XD So I woke up in the middle of the night to do those things XD
      I hope it'll get better for you too!

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