You Won't Feel A Thing

by - 11:44 AM

Last spring my feelings were hurt. Not just a little, they were badly hurt. It doesn't happen every day that the guy you like loses his cool and tells you to die in a plane crash.
At first I was hurt. Just that, hurt. Later on I was angry, sad, bitter, then hurt again. I was hurt so badly that I decided not to have feelings for a guy ever again.

I was very busy at the time. In fact I was so busy with college that the decision to stop having feelings wasn't a conscious one. Subconsciously I scolded myself every time I looked at a good-looking guy. I was not going to get hurt again, oh no.
By the time summer came around, I'd successfully gotten rid of those kinds of feelings. I poured my left-over feelings for my crush into friendships. Everything was okay. I felt hope, excitement, sadness, anger and happiness. Just no love.

As my sophomore year started, I got some exciting news: my friend was moving to San Francisco and I could come over and visit her in the summer. I spent almost all my childhood summers in the Bay Area, so I couldn't wait to buy a ticket and jump on a plane. Three weeks later my friend and I got into a huge fight and my plans were cancelled. I was broken-hearted, but not for long.
With my summer plans cancelled, I had time for a summer program and my college happened to be setting one up. In India. I applied immediately and got a place in the program. You can't imagine how happy I was: this program meant that I could travel on my own, meet a friend in Delhi and celebrate my birthday there. I was the happiest person on earth for about a month. Then the whole thing blew up in my face. The program was cancelled.
I cried for days. It hurt so bad. My hope was shattered, my excitement completely gone. I didn't want to feel like that ever again. At that moment, I got rid of my feelings of hope, excitement and happiness too.

Is it possible to eliminate all those feelings? Yes, it is. It absolutely is... And once you've done that, you won't feel a thing. Nothing.
In November my world turned grey. There was more than enough to be happy about, but I didn't see it. I didn't want to see it. If I saw it, I'd have feelings again and that never ended well for me.
Sometimes I felt a tremendous sadness. It would crush me and the smallest thing would have me crying for hours. I rarely smiled and when I did, I punished myself by drowning myself in college work.
Yet most of the time I didn't feel a thing.

One morning in December I woke up and realized I wasn't as emotionless as I though. I did feel a thing and that thing was unhappiness. Something had to change.
I signed up for the 100 Happy Days Challenge. Things got a little better. People around me noticed a change. My mentor at college decided to have a serious conversation with me to voice her concerns: she'd seen my descend towards depression, and wondered how I'd managed to get myself out of it.

Depression. That word hit home. She only said it once, but the impact it had was enormous. All those months I'd been pushing myself into depression. I'd saved myself just in time.
Depression, the word still echoes through my mind. By trying to protect myself from emotional harm, I'd put myself at serious risk for mental health problem.

If you're hurt or feel like there's no hope, it's possible to turn your feelings off like a lamp. Flick that switch. I promise you won't feel a thing. But believe me when I tell you that what comes after is not worth it. Pain is part of life. It's not a fun part, but without some downs there are no ups in life either. We'd just be flatlining.
Don't turn your feelings off. Don't do what I did. You're stronger than you think. You can handle this. You'll come back stronger. It might hurt now, but it won't keep hurting forever. You've got this.

Stay Awesome!

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6 Fellow Ramblers

  1. Beautiful beautiful post.

    Sounds like you've been through a lot... HUGS!! I'm so glad you are so strong and brave: I really admire you for that. I know what it's like to crash into wall after wall after wall... Keep being such an amazing inspiration. <3


    1. Thank you. I needed that hug :)
      I'm trying to stay clear of walls now, but it's difficult

  2. This post resonated so much with me. I am so sorry you had such a crappy time, but you are so inspirational for realising things needed to change and pulling yourself out of it - you are so strong. And as for thay boy, he sounds bloody horrible, don't let him put you off love. :-)

    Teri-May xx

    1. Thank you for yor kind comment. Today I've been struggling with all this once again, but reading your comment really made me feel better :)


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