Envy and the Never-Ending Copy Machine Battle

by - 7:38 PM

From the life of a 19-year-old intern, I present you: the battle with the copy machine. It's a ruthless battle, both sides fight for their lives. Yet only one can win...

November 11th, 2015
It has begun. I am now officially an intern: I was asked to run to the copy room and quickly copy a document. Part of me is excited, 'cause I'm finally getting some responsibility here. On the other hand I'm terrified: I've been here for three months now and no one has taken the time to explain to me how the copy machine works. You'd think that's one of the first things they teach you when you start an internship, even if the main focus of the internship is teaching high school kids German. I would have liked a step-by-step tutorial to be honest, but hey, how hard can it be?

Okay, as it turns out, this can be pretty hard... This copy machine is huge. It probably outweighs me by at least 50 kilos, it's twice my size and has more buttons than the average space ship! Oh, and there's a touch screen. With a million options on it.
Let's see... A4 sized paper, printed front and back, have to make 30 of those... There's a scanner on this things somewhere... But that won't do 'cause it'll only scan one side. I don't want to split the document into two pages, that would be a waste of paper. No, I love the rain forest too much to do that.
What's this thing here for? Wait, that's where the paper comes out. But there must be a way to duplicate the freaking document without wasting so much paper. Where does it scan the whole thing? Here?
Oh no, oh no, oh no, don't start beeping!
I need help. I need help now.
'Mr. De Jong? Could you help me out with the copy machine?'
'Sure. Are you logged in?'
Logged in? Do I have to log in on this thing? So that's what they gave me the key card for! Okay, logged in and now I just have to watch as Mr. De Jong copies my document. Aha, there's the scanner, then there's a thingy on the touch screen... Easy! I totally could've done that! Thirty pages, printed front and back, just they way they should be. Awesome.

My internship coach looks at the copied pages. 'Only half of the document is on these pages. You copied it sideways.'
Oh no...

December 14th, 2015
The dreaded question was asked again. 'Envy, can you copy this page 30 times?'
And of course I said 'yes'. Why couldn't I just say: 'No, I don't know how that stupid machine works!'
Deep breaths. Deep breaths. The machine isn't that intimidating... I think... I mean, you're already logged in and -
Okay, I take it back. This thing is the most intimidating thing in the history of intimidating things!
I'll just start over. Use my key card to log in. SO far so good. Now, A4 sized paper, print on one side, scan it, print it 30 times. Go.
Printing... No, no, don't do that! Don't print sideways! STOP!
Oh great... Maybe if I turn the page 90 degrees, then scan and print. Oh yeah! Thirty copies, all 100% perfect! But what do I do with the ten failed ones?
I'll just stuff them in my bag when no one is watching. Recycle them at home. No one needs to know about that fail. I'm the best intern ever.

January 27th, 2016
Can I make five copies of that super important document for you? Why, of course I can! It totally got this. Remember how well I copied that last document? I've got that big bastard of a copy machine totally under control. Log in, scan document, print and don - wait a minute, why doesn't it do both sides of the original document?
Shit, that's right, I was supposed to hit some button on the touch screen before scanning. I just don't remember which one... This one?
Okay, not that one. Maybe this one then?
Click... Click... BEEEEEP
So not that one either... Let me try the big one over here.
'Need some help?'
'Yes please...'
You win this time, you stupid machine, but I swear I'll be back!

February 17th, 2016
My hands are shaking. I'll have to face the copy machine again in three, two, one...
There it is. The Big Bulky Bastard. Scaring interns since 2015.
Hey, I didn't even touch you yet! Oh, wait, I'm not alone here today. There's some other guy in the copy room too.
'Do you know how to log out? It just keeps beeping at me.'
'Don't ask me, I know nothing about this thing.'
We look at the touch screen, then push all the buttons at random.
'That wasn't that bad... Good luck!'
'Thanks, I'll need it.'
Four pages, A3 size and an already aggravated copy machine. How am I ever going to survive this? Okay, log in, scan pages, select paper size... print? Print, please print. Oh my god, perfect at first shot!
Au revoir, mon ami! Until next time, until my next victory!

Stay Awesome!

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8 Fellow Ramblers

  1. That is an annoying comping machine! You must conquer it :)

    1. I'm trying to conquer it, but it's a worthy opponent I must say!

  2. I started laughing at first but then I started thinking that the copy machines used in schools and offices are those big ones (the complicated ones). One day in music school I was supposed to copy some stuff for the kids in the choir and my teacher didn't tell me I was supposed to log in, and then the machine ran out of paper. Long story short, She had more trouble with explaining to me how it all works than if she had made copies herself. :)

    1. Yes, it's one of those big ones with too many options for its own good, but feel free to laugh :)
      It's one of my worst fears to have that thing run out of paper on me one day. Most of the time my internship coach has more trouble explaining me exactly what to do than if she'd done it herself XD

  3. Fortunately I've never ever had to face a copy machine xD there's always a technician who handles all the copy work. Maybe they've realized how frustrating it is to use a copy machine and no one wants the frustration taken out on the poor thing D:

    1. I wish there was an technician at my internship school! The copy room is only four square meters though, so once I'm in there with the machine there isn't even room for anyone else...

  4. Oh wow, you have such a way with words... Great post!!!


    1. Thank you so much! Honestly, it's comments like yours that keep me going!


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good! Wait, no, I mean: I solemnly swear that I will answer each and every comment ;)