First of all: Yay, I turned 20 today!
Second: Oh no, I turned 20 today...
There you have it already: I can't go an hour without contradicting myself...


When I was in 6th grade my teacher used to call me a walking encyclopedia. It wasn't meant as a comment though. In college some people think of me as a walking dictionary. I see myself as a walking contradiction.
I think turning 20 has made me think even more about who am I and what I want to do with this life I've got. It's confusing, because part of me just wants to settle down, have a steady job and a nice little family. Five seconds after thinking about that I see a travel blog and I'll be all like: I need to get over to that place right now!
Part of me wants to become a teacher, because it's a steady job. Then there's this part of me that just can't stop thinking about becoming a writer, or an artist, or a full-time blogger. Not a steady job at all, but so much more fun.
There's even a part of me that wants to give up on my dreams. But there's also a much bigger part of me that says I can't give up now. I've come this far, giving up would be a waste of time and an insult to myself.

I don't know what it is about my birthday that makes me think about myself this way. It's probably the pressure of turning 20 and not having anything figured out. All I know is that I like to learn languages and get to know more about different cultures, which only makes the contradictions within me bigger. Yeah, I'm that white kid who obsesses over every culture except her own. Again, there's a part of me that wants me to stop being so overly interested in other cultures, a different part of me is just passionate about it.

There are always two parts of me when it comes to the things I want and like. Right now, there's a part of me that tells me to stop writing because I'm rambling. There's also a part of me that wants me to keep writing because I need to get it out of my system. The contradictions confuse me, but I can't help myself.
There's a part of me that wants to stop the contradictions. Then there's that part of me that shrugs and thinks: I've lived with it for 20, it shouldn't be a problem.
I think I'll listen to that part of me. The part that's not exactly the voice of reason, the part that wants to do crazy things and that still believes I can change the world. Yeah, I think I'll do with that for the next 20 years.

Stay Awesome!

PS. Have some digital birthday cake and celebrate my birthday with me :)

Another day, another shooting in the USA. I know, I know. I'm usually not this serious. But bear with me guys, because these things need to be said. It's like we can't go a single day without seeing a (usually black) person get shot, oftne by the police. Many people are outraged and have taken to Twitter. Every other day a new hashtag related to this topic is trending. Even though I usually stay far away from discussing this topic, I'm going to do it today. Not by tweeting. I agree that we need t pay more attention to these matters, yet I won't tweet about this. I have too much to say for a 140 characters' tweet. Let me say those things here.


You won't see me tweet how bad I feel about a shooting in the USA for the same reason that I don't tweet #RIP when a famous person dies: I do not know enough about the circumstances, neither am I close enough to this person to send a truly sincere tweet.
Let's just take a look at the average police shooting: do we know exactly what happened? More or less. There are always a lot of things we don't know: why was this person stopped by the police? How did tthey respond to this? How did the police respond to their response? Was there any reason to pull a gun in the first place? About a week after the shooting we will know these things. But in the moment when Twitter explodes, we don't know all the facts and without all the facts I can't share an objective opinion. For example: a while ago a black man was shot by the police in the Netherlands. People shouted that the police was racist, but as it turned out, the man wanted to commit suicide this way. He'd forced the police into shooting him. I was glad I hadn't tweeted the minute I heard about this case. I want to know the facts before I shout my opinion from the digital rooftops. As long as I haven't seen the big picture, I won't tweet about it.

Black lives matter. I don't understand how anyone can think differently. I certainly don't understand why western countries think they have the right to meddle with other countries affairs' when they can't resolve their own problems with racism. We should be in a situation where all life is equally important.

Hold your horses, all you Social Justice Warriors out there! Let me explain.
Up until a week ago, I hadn't heard of this hashtag. Since it's only a hashtag and there's no room for explanations in a tweet, the hashtag is open to interpretation. I interpreted it this way: no matter what your skin color is, your life is valuable and should be respected by everyone, no matter what their skin color is. To me, this meant that we are in a situation where black lives sadly have less worth to some people than white lives. To me, this meant we need to find a way to make it clear that all lives are important, regardless of the package it comes in. To me, this was a hashtag that asked us to look at the injustice of the situation towards black people, find a way to fix it and get closer to equality, to a situation where a black life matters the way it's supposed to matter. I interpreted as: all lives matter, so why does this black life matter less to some people? It's a question of interpretation. Then I found out that this was not what the hashtag meant...
People abuse this message I had in mind and turn it into a way of saying: "Stop nagging, others get shot too." It stands for a completely different message than the one I believe in, the one I saw in it. People interpret it differently than I do. It leads to miscommunication and anger. The message I had in mind apparently fits #BlackLivesMatter better, though #AllLivesMatter sounded more logical to spread a message of equality, at least in my opinion. I will never use the latter hashtag. In fact, I want to use neither of these hashtags now. I just want to show you my point of view: it doesn't matter to me which color you skin has; black, brown, yellow, white, if you wanna dye yourself green or purple, fine by me. That shouldn't matter. Your life is valuable and precious and you deserve to live it in peace with the same chances and challenges as everybody else on this planet, regardless of your skin color.

I won't use hashtags when sharing my opinion on these matters, I won't retweet things to make my point. I'll make it by being kind to whoever crosses my path. I hope you do the same.

Stay Awesome!

In the busy weeks just before my summer vacation started, I did what I do best: I wasted my time reading Buzzfeed articles. It was my way of learning to cope with the fact that I'll never be a Buzzfeed writer. And as usual with Buzzfeed, I came across articles I didn't agree with. I came across articles I absolutely loved. But there was one article where I drew a line and said: "No. Just no. This needs to be rewritten. I am rewriting this Buzzfeed article right now!"
As you can tell I didn't rewrite it 'right now', partly because I was busy, mostly because I was lazy. But now I'm here and it's time to rewrite the article "The 24 Stages Of Going For A Run". I'm a runner. I have been a runner for the past twelve years. I will be a runner for many more years. I am very unfamiliar with theses "stages", which seem to be thoughts in my opinion. I don't have the thoughts listed in this article though. These are the thoughts I actually have while running.


1. I don't want to.
I should go for a run today... but I don't wnat to. I could pretend I have an injury. Didn't I just feel something in my leg? Never mind, that was just an itch.
Also can't pretend I don't know where my shoes are, they're on my feet. Hmmm... Maybe I should just go.

2. I'll just go for a short run. But I'll run extra fast.
Running 5k takes too long. I'll do 3k today. Then 5k next time. But I'll have to run extra fast today to make up for those 2k I won't do. A super fast short run should equal a slow long run, shouldn't it? Does that make sense? It does sound logical to me. I'm gonna go for it.

3. I'm so fast! So fast!
Look at me go! I'm so fast! I'm almost flying! Why am I not doing this professionally? I could take on those super fast African athletes right now. That would be awesome. Maybe I should go to track meetings again.

So fast!

4. That was too fast.
Too fast. Need air! Why did I think I could keep running at that pace for so long? What was I thinking?!

5. I'm so slow! So slow!
Maybe I can run a little slower. Wait, not this slow! Bad legs, I said slow, not snail's pace! Go faster! Normal pace! This is embarrassing...

6. What was it like to breathe like a normal person?
Back in the day, before I went on a run, I could breathe through my nose. Pure fresh air whenever I needed it. I was so good at breathing normally. Those were the days, I'm telling you. Those were the days...

7. This is not fun. Not at all.
Why am I doing this again? I could have been home, blogging or reading my book. Sounds nice. Sounds better than this.

8. Almost there. Let's go a little faster.
Okay Envy, only a couple of hundred meters now. Quit the snail's pace, force those legs to go faster. I don't care that you're tired, I don't care that your muscles ache and I certainly do not care that you don't feel like going faster anymore. You can cry and complain when you're home. You're going to run your ass off, understood?

9. I'm so mediocre! So mediocre!
You know, there are ten-year-olds who can run this fast. On the other hand, there are also lots of people who run a whole lot slower than me. I never win a race, but I never lose one either. Long live my mediocrity!

10. Thank god that's over...
Finally! I need to sit down. I need something to drink. I need a shower. Oh my god that was difficut. At least I can breathe again. Air, that's some good stuff. My god...

Note: Thought 1 and 2 are optional. Repeat thought 3 to 10 every other day on your runs.
If you wonder if running's really worth it after reading my thoughts, let me tell you this: you won't believe how fast I am when I have to get my laptop to join a Twitter chat!

Stay Awesome!

Everything is #goals these days. There's squad goals, relationship goals, house goals, friendship goals... It's getting a little out of hand, because even my college has started obsessing over goals. For my last essay of sophomore year I had to write about my goals in life and how I'm going to achieve them. As I sat down on my bed with my laptop I thought this would be easy. Three hours later, however, I was still staring at a blank screen. My mind was even blanker. Where had my goals gone? After another half hour, I gave up and sent my friends an emergency text: "What are my GOALS??!"


The page would have remained very blank if an awesome blog buddy named Kanra hadn't helped me out. She sent me a list of things that could be my goals:

• Write a book
• Become a professional Youtuber/blogger
• Meet Superwoman
• Go to NYC

I quickly copied the list onto my essay that still didn't look like much of an essay. Kanra had pushed me in the right direction, but now I had to turn it into a story. Of course I didn't do that right away. I took a necessary cookie break. Then a necessary YouTube break. Then it was time to procrastinate. But that was okay, because I knew what my goals were now.
After the cookies had been eaten, the videos had been watched and the procrastination had taken over way too much of my time, I sat down again and shared my goals the way bloggers usually do: by listing them like this:
Again I stared at my screen for a long time. Even though I'd written the sappy stuff my college likes, I hadn't written anything about college. I hadn't written anything 'realistic'. I knew my essay wouldn't get a good grade if I handed it in like this. I deleted all my goals, both the ones Kanra had sent me and the ones I'd added to it. I replaced them with this: "I want to become independent."

I scored 80% on the essay assignment, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. I really wanted to share my goals, but college doesn't allow the kind of dreaming that I love so much. They want me to focus on my education, becoming a teacher should be my sole purpose in life. I don't want that. I have different dreams. I felt the need to share those goals of mine, the ones deemed unrealistic and crazy. The ones I'll work for day and night if I have to. So here goes nothing. Here are the things I want more than anything in the world:

• I want to become a successful author. There are thousands of stories buzzing through my brain. I want to tell them, I want people to read them. I want to give people who are in a difficult situation that relief of losing yourself in a fantasy world. I want to share my stories. I'm already doing that on my blog, but I'm hoping to do that in more ways soon enough.
• Speaking of my blog, I am hoping to grow my audience to 150 followers before 2017 comes around. My longterm goal is to be able to make a little money advertising for other bloggers in my sidebar and on other platforms.
• I am going to travel this world. It's not a question of 'if', it's a question of 'when'. There's much more to see than the inside of a classroom, there's much more to do in life that teach children how to say "Do you speak English?" in German. There's a whole wide world out there that I want to see rather today than tomorrow.
• I'd like to meet Superwoman and the other insanely creative internet geniuses of my generation. They inspire me to become a better person and creator every day. If it wasn't for them, I would've quit blogging and given up on my dreams a long time ago.
• But most important of all: I want to find out what makes me happy in this life and find a way to make a living doing that. I do know that becoming a successful author is difficult, but it's not impossible. Until I write my masterpiece I'll have to make money some other way. I know I love working with languages, so maybe I can find a job as a translator. I think I should do something I'm passionate about. Sadly, teaching is not one of those things.

This is what I want to do for real. For that, I do need to become independent. But not in the way college would like to see me become independent: graduate, get a job, live a boring life and die. I was never cut out for that lifestyle. Call me crazy, but I'm going out to chase my dreams. They're a lot more exciting than that lame old thing you call realism. One day I want to be that person who's seen and done it all, who didn't let anyone stop her. That's what I call #goals.

Stay Awesome!

As my twentieth birthday is rapidly coming closer, I've realised something: either I'm going to find myself some roommates, or I'm going to live alone for a long time after I graduate college. Now I'm not very good at being alone all the time. I'm fine for a couple of hours, even for a few days, but after that someone has to be around to hear my crazy thoughts before they drive me insane. So for a while I thought about finding myself some roommates so I won't be alone when I move out after graduating college. But then I went to Berlin, where I had to share a room...
I discovered one thing: living with roommates would drive me absolutely crazy. Let me tell you why.


1: The Bathroom Line
I slept in a dorm in Berlin, whihc is slightly different from sharing an apartment with people, but one thing won't be so different: the bathroom situation. For some reason there's always someone in the shower when you really really really have to pee. And there's a 95% they're washing their hair in there, making you almost pee your pants. Oh, and the minute you want to take a shower, someone slips in "just to do my makeup, I'll be done in five". Let's be honest, we all know you're not going to be done in five. It'll be more like fifty.

2: Getting Ready to Go Out
You'd think that everyone would be ready to go out together after two hours of bathroom madness, but no. There's always something missing. Mascara, lip stick, pants, you name it. At the very last minute people suddenly discovere they're not wearing a bra, or forgot to get their shoes. And for some reason it's not possible for you to even go to the supermarket while your roommate is searching her wardrobe for makeup/clothes/Narnia. No, everything has to be put on hold until the missing item has been found. Don't even think about suggesting the person who's lost something can catch up with you later on, oh no! That's not how we roll when we're roommates!

3: The Lost Key
So in the end, when the bathroom line has dissolved, the makeup has been applied and the missing pants are back on someone's body, you can go out with your roommates. I'll admit that: it's pretty amazing and you'll have a great time. But then it's time to go back and soon you'll find yourself in this situation: you arrive at the door and want to go back in after a long night and... there's no key.
"Do you have the key?"
"No, I thought you had it."
"But I don't."
"Guys, we don't have keys. It's one of those key card thingies."
"I didn't bring mine because it's broken."
"But you said you'd take yours!"
Everyone starts franctically searching their pockets and yells how they don't have a key, until the person who asked which of their roommates had the key, suddenly shows the key and says: "Guys... it was in my other pocket..."

4: Falling Asleep
After a long night with your roommates, you want to go to sleep. I'm one of those people who turns into a monster if you don't let met sleep, but when you have roommates, such things don't matter. You always end up talking until someone decided it's time to go to sleep and turn the lights off. For five long minutes someone will whisper: "Envy? Are you still awake?"
"Yes."
"I can't sleep."
"That's because you're talking."
"Guys, I can't sleep either!"
Silence... Then: "We had fun tonight. Did you have fun, Envy?"
"Yeah. I'd be having even more fun if you'd shut up."
"I had a great night."
"So did I."
I ended up buying earplugs and trying to sleep with my head under a pillow.

5: Rules Don't Apply to Everyone
There'll always be rules when you live with roommates. In Berlin we had the ten-minute shower rule, the only-use-the-bathroom-light-at-nigh rule and the you-better-be-extremely-freaking-quiet-if-you-come-in-after-the-others-have-gone-to-sleep rule. And of course all those rules were broken all the time by almost everyone. I like my rules. I like chaos, but only if it's mine. I don't like waking up at 3am because one of my roommates just came in screaming: "Guys, I need to tell you something! My dinner was delicious!" No, just no. In this case I will give myself the right to throw everything on my nightstand at you.

All jokes aside, I loved my roommates in Berlin. Most of the time they were the best roommates I could wish for. But living with roommates all the time? Sharing my space with them 27/7? No thanks. I'll just live alone with my three cats Harry, Ron and Hermion, and my hamster Zeus.

Stay Awesome!