Walking Contradiction

by - 11:52 AM

First of all: Yay, I turned 20 today!
Second: Oh no, I turned 20 today...
There you have it already: I can't go an hour without contradicting myself...

When I was in 6th grade my teacher used to call me a walking encyclopedia. It wasn't meant as a comment though. In college some people think of me as a walking dictionary. I see myself as a walking contradiction.
I think turning 20 has made me think even more about who am I and what I want to do with this life I've got. It's confusing, because part of me just wants to settle down, have a steady job and a nice little family. Five seconds after thinking about that I see a travel blog and I'll be all like: I need to get over to that place right now!
Part of me wants to become a teacher, because it's a steady job. Then there's this part of me that just can't stop thinking about becoming a writer, or an artist, or a full-time blogger. Not a steady job at all, but so much more fun.
There's even a part of me that wants to give up on my dreams. But there's also a much bigger part of me that says I can't give up now. I've come this far, giving up would be a waste of time and an insult to myself.

I don't know what it is about my birthday that makes me think about myself this way. It's probably the pressure of turning 20 and not having anything figured out. All I know is that I like to learn languages and get to know more about different cultures, which only makes the contradictions within me bigger. Yeah, I'm that white kid who obsesses over every culture except her own. Again, there's a part of me that wants me to stop being so overly interested in other cultures, a different part of me is just passionate about it.

There are always two parts of me when it comes to the things I want and like. Right now, there's a part of me that tells me to stop writing because I'm rambling. There's also a part of me that wants me to keep writing because I need to get it out of my system. The contradictions confuse me, but I can't help myself.
There's a part of me that wants to stop the contradictions. Then there's that part of me that shrugs and thinks: I've lived with it for 20, it shouldn't be a problem.
I think I'll listen to that part of me. The part that's not exactly the voice of reason, the part that wants to do crazy things and that still believes I can change the world. Yeah, I think I'll do with that for the next 20 years.

Stay Awesome!

PS. Have some digital birthday cake and celebrate my birthday with me :)

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15 Fellow Ramblers

  1. Turning 20 almost a year ago was rough for me! I've been called all these before as well (walking dictionary, walking encyclopaedia and walking contradiction), and I stick with contradiction as well. Sometimes I have no clue who I am because I feel like I'm opposite things at the same time. I would listen to the voice of the heart as well and go for what you believe in :) You always have time to be a teacher, but you have to go for your passion first!

    onmywayacqua.blogspot.com | Acqua xx

    1. Ooooooh and happy birthday by the way!

    2. Thanks!
      I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who had a hard time before turning 20...
      I might be a contradiction, but I'm sure about one thing: my passion isn't what I'm going to college for. Don't know who I am, don't know who I will be, but college is my safety net in case the others things I want to do don't work out.
      I have one month left before the new school year starts, so I'll use that time to write and draw a comic and see how close I can get to turning my passion into something profitable :)

  2. Happy Birthday! I love that bloggers like you can be so real on their blog, this is relatable to what I am going through. You'll figure it all out when the times right :)

    1. Thanks Vanessa! I wouldn't know any other way to go about blogging than just being real. I guess the time is not right because I'm more confused than ever :P

  3. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING! *showers you with confetti*

    Ellie | On the Other Side of Reality

    1. THANK YOU! *happily plays with confetti for hours*

  4. Happy birthday beautiful!!!

    also, I really really liked this post. Im a walking contradiction too. Ive talked about that on my blog before as well.
    dont stress about it. let yourself have those complicated emotions. also, know that most people dont have it all figured out in their 20s. most of them are just faking it :) lol. Im turning 20 i a couple months and I seriously doubt I'll have my life figured out by then. I'll join the club. lol.

    1. Thank you!
      The complicated emotions don't seem to go away sometimes, that's what worries me. And I didn't know most people don't have it all figured out. A lot of my friends are four or five years older than me and they all seem to have their life all planned and under control. Now that I'm writing that sentence it occurs to me that a planned life sounds a bit boring.
      You'll be more than welcome to join the club!

  5. Happy birthday!!! :)
    If it makes you feel any better, there's an expression for this contradiction - quarter-life crisis (I know, because my crisis has been lasting for a while). :D

    1. Thanks :D
      I'd seen the word before, but I didn't know what it meant. I think I'm going to look into this, it sounds interesting and maybe I can fix things if I understand them better :)

  6. A bit late but Happy Birthday!!!!!! :) have a wonderful day xx



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