PSA: This Blogger is Not Okay

by - 3:00 PM


'80% of the time I don't understand you,' my ex-boyfriend once said. Not because I was being annoying, but because he really didn't and we'd just found out why: I'm gifted, which means my IQ is somewhere between 'pretty damn high' and 'Tony Stark level genius'. Now that all sounds nice and positive, doesn't it? In a way, it is. It makes it easy for me to learn new things. I see the world in a way most people can't see it, which is a great thing if you want to become a writer. But figuring this out was only the beginning of a journey that's pretty much killing me at the moment.

I discovered giftedness and the way it affects me while my blog was down, back in February. In March I went to my doctor, who sent me to a psychologist. Last week she was struggling to diagnose me. Giftedness can cause trouble, but there was more to me than just the IQ thing. Depression was ruled out, but there were signs of an anxiety disorder. Today she let me know what's up with me: I don't have an anxiety disorder, I simply have an inferiority complex. Long story short: I hate myself because I'm different.

All throughout my childhood people responded negatively to me because they couldn't understand the way I think and see the world. Because of that I started to believe that it was all my own fault. I was not good enough for people to accept me the way I am. I was different, and different was wrong. Since finding out what it is that makes me different, I've made peace with my giftedness. The inferiority complex though... Well, that's what's killing me right now. That's why I'm writing this post.

Getting a diagnose can be pretty freaking hard on anyone. It sure is on me. So is therapy. When I go to therapy on a Thursday, it takes me all weekend to find mental stability again. And that's where my blog comes in. This week I couldn't get myself to write a post for Monday. Right now I'm struggling to find words for this post. The reason is simple: I am far from okay at the moment. Life is hard now, and my blog won't always be top priority. I put all my energy into my education and getting this mess inside my head cleaned up. Between those two, there's not much time left for things like blogging...

So what's going to happen with Lost in Translation? One of my friends thinks I should turn to blogging about mental health now that I'm all caught up in it myself, but that's the last thing that'll happen. It's just not me and it wouldn't feel right for me to post about all the nasty stuff on my mind. Hats off to those who can, but I'm not one of them. No, I've decided to keep my blog the way it is: filled with randomness, travel posts and art. These are the things that make me happy, so my blog will be my safe haven where I can get away from the nastiness and focus on the things I love. It'll only happen less frequent than I was used to.

All in all I don't think you'll guys will notice much of my mental issues. I might miss a post every now and then. I might write updates on the situation if I think that'd be relevant. I'll definitely have some ugly cries and rants on Twitter. Because at the end of the day, I'm not okay. However, I know that I will be okay again. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon enough. Hope you'll stay with me while I figure it all out.

x Envy

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27 Fellow Ramblers

  1. This is a very brave post on your part-and some parts of it I do understand, having been diagnosed with Aspergers-for which I commend you!
    Lydia
    Mademoisellewomen.wordpress.com

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    1. Thank you. People suspected I had Aspergers (that was about three years ago), so I think we have quite a few things in common.

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  2. You are incredibly brave I stand and applaud you WELL DONE!!!

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  3. Loved reading this! You're so brave for sharing it!
    Some thoughts: I don't think your ex was trying hard enough. But you know that quote "I don't need somebody who fully understands me, I just want someone who is trying" or something like that? I think this applies here.

    And did you ever hear about the 16 personalities test? If you google it, you'll find it easily enough.

    It helped me understand some vital things about myself. I am quite literal online and in writing, but sometimes I am horrible at conveying ideas in person and turns out this is such a common treat for my personality type (the logician) because ideas that make sense in my head won't necessarily for others so I kind of give up and nothing logic comes out.

    My point here: unique is good. Celebrate it! xx

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    1. Thank you!
      I don't know if my ex was trying hard enough. I was too caught up in my own problems and he was too caught up in his depression and other mental health issues. But he tried and that's all that mattered to me, so that quote really does apply here.

      I think I've even taken the 16 personalities test, but I don't remember what the outcome was. I'll take it again soon, it'll probably explain a lot about me now that I understand the basics of who I am and why I'm the way I am.

      Trying to celebrate it now :)

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  4. You're so strong and so amazing and so unique. I know that seems like a burden, but you're amazing. I love your blog and will continue to love it no matter what you decide to do.
    hang in there love.

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    1. Thank you! Your support means a lot to me. Especially when I feel like I'd better give up, comments like yours get me through my darkest days and keep me going on with this silly little blog

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  5. Aw Envy. We're all rooting for you girl-- you're doing well and being so strong. It's ok to be not ok for a time, take your time to do what's best for you, and never forget just how much you truly do matter. <3

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    1. Taking my time is so difficult. I've put too much time into college this year and now that I'm taking time away from that to fix myself I feel so guilty. Looking back on the past couple of month I do see that I can be strong when needed, but it's difficult to keep believing in myself. Blogging helps though :)

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    2. Ah yeah-- I understand. It's so hard to slow down when the whole world is telling us to speed up. But it is ok, I think you're doing the right thing in pausing for a second to root yourself and pick yourself up as best you can before charging forward. Don't worry, tomorrow will always be there when you're ready :) You're doing a good job of just pushing through it, I know it's so hard.

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    3. I'm really glad I have a 2,5 week break from today on, I'm definitely going to use it to fix some little bits of myself. I feel like things are already going a little bit better, even though it might be a little soon to say so :)

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  6. You are officially so brave to write a post like this. I seriously love your blog and reading it makes me happy and laugh. I hope you get through what you are going through because knowing you afterwards you will come back in full force. :)

    Nabila // Hot Town Cool Girl

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    1. I don't feel like I'm brave at all to be honest. I just feel sad. I hope all this stuff is over soon. And yes, when that happens I will come back in full force and try to shake the online world up as much as possible :)

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  7. I'll always be here if you want to talk! You're so strong for sharing your story x

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    1. Thank you for always being there for me, I'm lucky to have friends like you :)

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  8. I fully get where you're coming from. As a kid my teachers thought I had an attention disorder but I was just too advanced for their work, I've always been mentally advanced for my age and some people misunderstand that and think I'm being arrogant. I've been bullied for being different so I can fully understand your inferiority complex. This post relates to me a lot. Xx

    Itsallzara.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Well to me it sounds like you could be gifted too then. The things you describe are very typical for gifted children. If you feel like it affects you negatively I'd recommend getting a test or something. If not, I slightly envy you ;P

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  9. You are so brave for sharing this. I hope your path becomes clearer for you in the future but remember to celebrate your uniqueness and best wishes for the future (whatever it brings)!

    Kirsty | The Monday Project | themondayproject.co.uk

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    1. Thank you. So far the path hasn't become clearer at all, thought the future seems brighter than it did six months ago. I'm slowly starting to see how my uniqueness can help me get somewhere in life :)

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  10. Good on you for sharing this girl, I know therapy can be damn hard, but I hope it'll help you! x

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    1. It's only getting harder I think. Hope this week's session will be better.

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  11. There's nothing wrong with being different and being you. It brought you to start out this amazing blog and meet a whole lot of people and do things you love. Never ever think you're not enough just because you aren't like everybody else.
    Hope you feel better ♥

    -Kathie K
    Half A World Away

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    1. At this very moment, I do feel better. The annoying things is that that can change within a few minutes. However, I do feel like the situation is already improving. For 20 years I've been thinking that being different was something bad, something terrible. Now I've accepted that I'll never fit in and I'll never be the same as everyone else and I'm trying to turn that into a strength instead of a weakness. Not easy, but it'll be worth it. I'm sure that this all has a reason, it's meant to be this way.

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  12. Wow this is a great post, really interesting. Thank you for sharing your story😊
    Forgetfulblogger x

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    1. Well thank you for complimenting me on it :) It was a difficult one for me to write - yet another reason why I wouldn't be able to do the mental health blog thing

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  13. We're all here for you. :) You'll sort it all soon. I know it.

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