The Post In Which I Talk About My Face

by - 6:47 PM

I never put pictures of my face on the blog anymore. Even on my Instagram my face is almost painfully absent. It's not that I don't like my face. Wait, no. That's a complete lie. My face has given me too much grief since the start of my teenage years. So I neglected my face. Avoided looking at it, Pretended it wasn't there. I'm not like Areeba from Not Your Type Blog, I can't use pictures of myself to make my blog post look even better. I can barely bring myself to look at my face, how could I ever expect someone else to look at it out of free will?

It's mostly a self esteem issue. I don't know how someone with self esteem issues as big as mine can possibly think that starting a YouTube channel is a good idea. Yet I did it. Suddenly I found myself editing footage of my own face. I didn't like it. Not at all. But then I paused the project at exactly the right moment.


I can't describe the feeling of surprise when this still took over my screen. It was a pleasant surprise. I'd never seen my face like that. I'd never seen myself... happy. In school pictures I always looked miserable. In high school I was always the one behind the camera. In college I'd been in pictures with my best fake smile. Now, out of nowhere, I'd found myself an image of my happiness. I still can't keep my eyes off it. Not because I think I look great, or that my hair looks good. No, I look as average as always, with the one exception that I look happy. You can see it in the picture. It's almost tangible. Just looking at it makes me happy again.

We're all looking for some happinessin life. For a long time I thought I'd never find it. I was wrong. I found it on the morning of my 20th birthday, on a nameless beach in Lithuania. The wind was howling, the seawater was cold. The beach was almost deserted, the sky was grey with clouds. Nothing of that all mattered. I was happy. I knew there were people who love and support me. I was making a vlog, something they encouraged me to do. In that moment I was sure I could make it in life by doing what I love: blogging, vlogging and writing. It made me happy, which in turn made me beautifuk in my own eyes. For the first time ever.

Stay Awesome.

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20 Fellow Ramblers

  1. I love that picture of you. you really do look happy. I can see that glimmer in your eyes :)
    Im so glad that you found that happiness and Im glad you were able to capture the moment when you did. I love it! stay beautiful <3

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    1. Thank you :) I hope I'll keep close to the happiness from now on :)

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  2. Envy, you are so so pretty, especially when you smile :) That snapshot is gorgeous and I hope one day you'll be confident enough and happy enough to always smile so naturally. I had braces for three years of highschool and so rarely smiled in photos and I wish i'd smiled more now because I have only a few photos from that time of my life. Now they're gone I am more confident and smile so much more than I did, but I totally get where you're coming from with the video. Videos capture something mirrors and photographs can't- they're not stationary snapshots but instead see everything, every little movement or unconscious habit, and the way we smile when no one is watching. 100% naturally ourselves. This post was beautiful and seeing you so happy makes me happy you beautiful girl!

    Love, love, love <3

    Anne // www.aportraitofyouth.co.uk

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    1. Oh thank you Anne!
      I had braces for three years too, same story. But those three years were my most awkward years, so I'm secretly kind of happy they weren't documented.
      I like photography, but I totally agree with you; video does capture some things that would otherwise be left unseen.

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  3. I'm so glad that you've found your happy!! Thank you for sharing your joys with us and I look forward to seeing more of the little joys in your life as it unfolds. :)

    ~Ash
    apieceofmysky.blogspot.com

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    1. I'll try to share as many of those little joys as possible :)

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  4. This post is amazing, and I love your face! It's a really great picture and you can clearly see how happy you are ^_^

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  5. Love this and you. I know the feeling, it feels weird to expose yourself like that sometimes. But in the times where you feel the best, it's so darn empowering. Keep it up. Love this blog.
    xx
    steph
    strictlystephanie.blogspot.com

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    1. I'll definitely keep it up :) This moment has given me so much motivation. I can't wait to make more vlogs, blog posts and stories :)

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  6. What a great post! I absolutely related to everything you said :) And you're right, you seem so happy! Cherishing those moments where you are happy no matter what is what makes life worthwile :)

    onmywayacqua.blogspot.com | Acqua xx

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    1. So true! I'm glad I'll be able to look back on this one on video :) So cool to hear someone can relate to what I write :)

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  7. this is the best thing ever, Envy!!!! We often forget to look at the other side of the picture which is present but hardly visible. SO glad to see how it worked out for you bby


    Noor | Noor's Place

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    1. Aww thanks Noor! I never looked at the other side of the picture, until I saw this one :)

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  8. This is such a lovely post!! I definitely don't put many pictures on my Instagram or my blog. Im so happy you found a picture you love, and you do look great in it! This is such a lovely post & very well written 😊 Xx
    Katie | http://kaleidoscopepeonies.blogspot.co.uk/?m=1

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    1. Thank you! I still haven't put this one on Instagram, I think it's just not really my thing to put my face all over the internet.

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  9. Awww, I love this! And you are absolutely not average lovely! I think we become so used to our own features that we don't see the beauty that others see in us! So, so happy that you stopped at this frame so you can see what so many other people see in you! 😊💗 x

    www.stephiebeau.com

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    1. I'm many things, but I think I can cross average officially off the list now :P I'm not sure if any others actually see this in me, but at least I got to see it myself once :)

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