When I arrived in Bangkok on my 21st birthday I had the aftermath of an inferiority complex dragging me down, the ghost of an ex haunting me and a failure that wasn't a failure to anyone but me crushing me. Did I expect to be happy, or at least feel okay while I was in Bangkok? No sir, absolutely not. I'd prepared myself for countless hours of crying. And the I found myself in the soi, the side streets of Samsen Road, and things changed. It started with the most amazing piece of street art by Dutch artists Edo Rath and my personal favourite Ox Alien. That seemed like a good omen to me. Not much later I found a few places not far off that wall where, to my own surprise, I felt happy. These places helped me get back on my feet when I was lost and down in a strange country on the other side of the world. And who knows, maybe you'll find some happiness in these places too!

As it turned out, the guy was right: I stayed at The Oasis Hostel twice. It's a nice clean place with the best beds I've slept on while I was in Thailand.The rooms may not be huge, but there's plenty of space to hang out in the yard. They play music in the yard as well, not too loud, just loud enough to have something in the background. Literally the only thing I didn't love about the yard is that the fake grass stays damp for about a day after a rain shower. So one day I put my backpack on the grass, the water was absorbed by my backpack and everything that wasn't covered in plastic suffered a little water damage - including my notes for this post... People are just hanging out in the yard all the time and if you're a bit socially awkward like me the staff will draw you into the conversation and make you feel so welcome. There are usually loads of Dutch people staying at The Oasis, but please don't think of that as a bad thing; we're pretty awesome.
Big plus at The Oasis is the link with OnPoint Travel, run by a Canadian and an Australian guy living in Thailand. They helped us plan our trip all the way from Bangkok to Luang Prabang in Laos. They saved us from at least a dozen panic attacks with their service.
Last but not least: you're super close to all the landmarks and Khao San Road, but far enough away to enjoy some peace and quiet.
(Tye, you owe me a beer now! ;) )
You can choose between pan-fried breakfasts served in really cute pans, fruit salads and pancakes. I've never had a more healthy breakfast than when I was staying in Bangkok. The fruit you buy in Europe has nothing on the fruit served in Thailand. Topped with yoghurt it's probably like the breakfast they serve in heaven. My absolute favorite dish were the banana pancakes with chocolate though. They actually put banana in the batter and this makes the pancakes so much more amazing. The best news of all: the place is open till 2pm so you can have both breakfast and lunch here.


The first few days in Bangkok I had trouble eating, but here that wasn't a problem. The spring rolls were perfect for my upset stomach and I'm still craving them to this day. But if you find yourself at Saam House Restaurant, order the chicken with cashew nuts. It's delicious. The chicken is so tender it almost falls apart in your mouth.
One thing though: if the menu says a dish is spicy, it really is spicy. To the point where tears stream down your face, as my dad found out. Though that might have been his own fault for eating a chilli pepper whole because he'd mistaken it for a piece of tomato. Lucky for him to fruit shakes at Saam House do a great job at extinguishing chilli pepper fire. Do yourself a favor and order a banana, mango, pineapple or watermelon shake with your chicken. You won't be disappointed. I swear, when mankind invents teleportation devices, Bangkok is the first place I'll go, just for Saam House Restaurant.

Honestly, happiness was the last thing I expected to find in Bangkok. Not in a hostel, not in restaurants. But I did. I had some relapses and breakdowns those first few days in Thailand, but these places helped me find my feet in my new gap year situation. Good food and good company, that's all you need in life, isn't it? I hope you'll find those things here too if you ever visit Bangkok.

Hi, my name is Envy, and I'm insane. Okay, the official diagnosis is "inferiority complex as a result of giftedness", but to many people who know nothing about giftedness and inferiority complexes it's the same thing as being insane. I know people who'd go out and educate others on their mental situation, but I couldn't be bothered when I got my diagnosis. From April till now I've had different priorities: kicking the inferiority complex's ass.

It all sounded so nice and easy when I was diagnosed back in April. No chemical imbalances like the ones that cause depression, no traumatic past giving me PTSD, just a very destructive thinking pattern. All I had to do was change the pattern, break out of the cycle of self-hatred.
Inferiority complexes are tricky things though. They're more than "just" a set of thought even if I did say so myself: contrary to mental illnesses such as OCD and depression, an inferiority complex does define you. It knocks reality askew, changes your perception of yourself completely and consequently others' perception of you. It doesn't limit itself to one aspect of your life, it attacks every thought that crosses your mind and turns it into a vile remark about yourself. Now the way you see yourself influences the way you present yourself, which in turn influences how others perceive you and react to you. If an inferiority complex hijacks that first step it starts defining who you are and pushes you into an endless cycle of negativity and hate. It's a cycle I've been stuck in for most of my life.

I can't tell when my inferiority complex got hold of my brain or whose influences made it worse. I do know that even as a toddler I felt like I wasn't good enough; why else would my grandparents always tell me about my amazing cousins every time I came to visit? Giftedness didn't help much either. Most people in school, both classmates and teachers, reacted negatively to the character traits that are typical for gifted children. Those situations were the foundation on which my inferiority complex built itself. Core thought: Envy is not good enough. By the time I was twenty, this core thought had turned into a waterfall of hateful remarks that flooded my brain every single day. I was ugly as hell. Too smart for my own good. I'd never have any real friends and no guy would ever love me. I had no talent, I wasn't as good a writer as I hoped I was, I sucked at blogging. I'd never be successful. I'd never make a dream come true. And did I mention I was ugly as hell?

Think the thoughts I've listed once and you'll feel bad. Think them countless times, sometimes multiple times a day, and you'll believe they're the absolute truth. Especially if you're unlucky enough to get called 'ugly' a lot, which I was until I turned 18. And so I became the talentless ugly girl who was completely unloveable and would never make it in life. The inferiority complex defined me completely. I didn't take risks, as it told me I'd fail anyway. I didn't talk to guys, as it told me they'd find me too ugly to look at anyway. I didn't go out to meet new people,as it told me they wouldn't like me anyway.
Once you think that way you'll keep thinking that way. The inferiority complex will find proof that these thoughts are true. If two girls on the other side of the college cafeteria were laughing, it'd tell me they were laughing at me, because I looked stupid in my clothes. It didn't matter that I loved my Avengers top and that it looked good on me. No, those girls were laughing at me because I looked stupid and ugly in it.

Ever since my diagnosis in April I've been fighting hard to beat the inferiority complex. It hasn't been easy. Most days when I went to therapy were spent crying. I started to realize I've always been too hard on myself. That was the first step to changing the way I think. The second one was harder: I had to become aware of the destructive thought, replace them with more reasonable ones and find out why I had these thoughts. Reason number one: I make assumptions about people's thoughts. Reason number two: I make every negative remark into a critique on me as a person, even if it's a remark about something I don't have any influence on, like the weather. Being confronted with these fatal thinking flaws was by far the most painful thing about therapy. Eventually I became aware of the flaws and thoughts alike, but I wasn't strong enough yet to do anything about it. June was tainted a deep dark black because of the feeling of helplessness this caused.
Then on day in July things clicked. I knew that I was thinking nasty lies, I knew what I could do to stop them. I just needed practice. Now, in late August, I can say my inferiority complex doesn't define me anymore.

Despite conciously knowing that I am not what my inferiority complex tells me I am and despite being officially done with therapy, I still have a long way to go. Therapy changes you and after the shit I've been through this year I'm sometimes not completely sure of who I am and if friends and family still love the person I've become. Because truth be told: I was far from easy while going through therapy. Sometimes I'd lash out at people I loved for no reason other than to get a negative reaction out of them that'd prove the destructive thoughts right, My best friend took some heavy beatings that way, but I'm lucky he stayed by my side through all of it. Some people didn't, as they felt my situation was a danger to their own happiness. I guess those people were never intended to be in my life for long anyway. The people who've stuck around will be there for me when I face my last challenge: seeing giftedness as potential instead of a burden. It's the final lie my inferiority complex is telling me.

It sucks to know the inferiority complex is still there after months of therapy, but it's a stripped-down, weakened version of itself. From time to time I fight an old battle with it once again. Most of the time I focus on debunking it's final lie. Having an inferiority complex sucks, but at least it doesn't define me. Not anymore.

Here's the thing about Thailand: every twenty-something who wants to show off and try to be a traveller goes there. When they come back it's all one big success story of a wonderful time with a little bit too much alcohol and a whole lot of awesome people.
Here's another thing about Thailand: every traveller over thirty is also completely obsessed with the place. Nothing but great reviews from them: 'Thailand has the most amazing nature/culture/cities!'
Now don't get me wrong, I like Thailand too. I can see where all those people are coming from. Thailand is pretty great. But to be honest, all I can do is laugh when I hear others talk about their trip to Thailand as they went to heaven on earth. Where are all the practical, funny and somewhat gross things about travelling in Thailand? Well, in case you're wondering the same thing, here they are! Because travelling in Thailand is pretty awesome, but there are some thing you should know before you go!
While we're on the topic: I like toilets with toilet paper. I know that's a weird thing to say, but think about it: you appreciate toilet paper too and you probably don't realize it until there is none. Which could totally happen in Thailand. Sometimes there's toilet paper, sometimes there isn't. Sometimes when there is toilet paper you can't flush it because it'll clog that toilet and you'll have to throw it in a bin next to the toilet instead (wonderfully hygienic, I know). Sometimes there's no bin and you have to flush it anyway. But wait, there's more! Sometimes your toilet is just a hole in the ground, like in France! In that case you have to scoop water out of a bucket to 'flush' the toilet. So you see, going to the toilet can become quite a complicated situation. Do check what kind of toilet situation you're dealing with before you find yourself needing a bathroom and not having all the... let's say 'necessary equipment'.

Now what happened to me was this: for one night we stayed with locals in a mountain village near Chiang Mai. As usual I'd left my flip flops outside. When I had to go to the bathroom, they were gone. Then my hostess walked past me - on my flip flops! After a while, when she didn't need them anymore, she put them back and I quickly put them on. When I returned to the room, she was wearing my mom's flip flops. Moral of the story: keep an eye on your freaking flip flops!

There are 7Elevens at the corner of just about every street. You can apply for a visa upon arrival. Most of the stray dogs are adorable, some, just a few, are pure evil. Boats are safe, even though they might look like floating death traps. The humidity will try to kill you. Women can't come close to monks (no idea why). There are loads of small travel agencies where you can easily by tickets to other places in Thailand. Stepping on money with the king's face on it is a big NO. Wear a shirt with sleeves and long pants when you want to visit a temple. And did I mention the humidity will try to kill you?

As you can see travelling in Thailand isn't all rainbows and unicorns. Rain and elephants would be more appropriate in this case. But with a bit of preparation you'll have the time of your life in the kingdom of Thailand!

I like to pretend I'm a travel blogger sometimes. I say 'pretend' because I feel like I never manage to capture the spirit of a place in words. Maybe that's my inferiority complex talking, but I swear I never do better than 'the city was very pretty' when I sit down and try to write a post the way the big names do. So I've given up on that. Instead I take a more unconventional approach and let you get to know the spirit of a country through the thoughts I have while visiting the place. You might know I visited Southeast Asia this summer, but let's not forget about the stop-over I did in Helsinki, Finland. Want to know what Finland was like? Read on, my friend, read on.

Guess what the cheapest route from Amsterdam to Bangkok is. Go on, guess. With a stop in Delhi? Nope. Via Dubai? Wrong again. Switching planes in Turkey? Not even close. Want me to tell you? Well, if you've read the title of this post you won't be surprised to hear that my super cheap flight to Thailand led me to Finland's capital Helsinki first. I know, very logical, going all the way up north to get to a southeastern destination. Anyway, I ended up with an 18 hour stop-over. I arrived in Finland at 11pm and left the next day at 5.30pm, which meant I had about half a day to explore Helsinki. Sounds impossible? Yeah, maybe a little bit, but here's how I made the most out of it!

Under different circumstances I might not even have left the airport. Ever tried getting into cities like Bangkok or Moscow from the airport for a flash visit? Believe me, ain't gonna happen. Helsinki is a different story though. There's an airport shuttle that'll bring you to Elielplatsen in the city centre in not time. Plus, you get free wifi on the bus.
You already get to see a little bit of the city on your way over to Elielplatsen. I say 'a little bit' because most of it is obscured by trees. One thing that immediately stand out (because the trees aren't tall enough to hide it) is the 1952 Olympic Stadium. I almost lost my shit and forgot about the free wifi for a second when I saw it. I've wanted to visit an Olympic Stadium for ages, so I demanded we'd go there. Little did I know that it's about the only landmark far away from the city center. My dad and I decided to walk anyway, which is honestly the best thing you can do in any European city.
On our way we came across a huge park (which were actually multiple parks as I found out while researching some stuff for this post) with one of Finland's many many many lakes. You can go for a simple walk there, hire a row boat or paddle boat, or, if you're anything like me, be baffled by the absurd amount of geese.

The Olympic Stadium is right next to the City Park and well inside the city limits, but on the way over there I didn't feel like I was in an urban area at all. Trees. Everywhere. My dad and I even climbed a hill that'd put any Dutch forest to shame before we realized that was not the right way to go. With no signs pointing us in the right direction we were winging it - only to find out the Olympic Stadium was under renovation. I recommend going there when it doesn't look like this dump.


Upon return to Elielplatsen my parents decided to go to something called the 'Rock Church'. Helsinki has quite a few churches and I thought this would be one of the most amazing churches I'd ever seen because of the link to one of my favorite genres in music. It wasn't until I saw the building that I realized my mistake. The Rock Church has very little to do with rock music and all the more with actual stone. The Rock Church was hewn in a rock and that's about all there is to it. I didn't like it and neither did the people of Helsinki at first, but it might just be your cup of tea.
Personnaly I liked the Helsinki Cathedral much better. It's close to the Marketsquare and bus station and it's freaking majestic if I may say so. I spotted it from an alleyway on my way to the Marketsquare and immediately had to get closer to take pictures. Then I was drawn in by the music, the street performer playing Elvis songs on a violin. The square in front of the Cathedral is full of life. It's a perfect place for pictures and if I'd had the time I would've sat down on the endless steps that lead to the Cathedral's entrance to write.


With so little time to spend and so much of it spent on walking, my parents and I had to make some drastic decisions and choose which landmarks we'd visit before returning to the airport. So we did the sensible thing: we went for lunch.
As we were close to the harbour, we decided to get lunch at the waterfront market. It's super touristy, but the food options are endless. You can go for pizza, or be a little more adventurous and go for some authentic Finnish food. Like reindeer meatballs. I didn't particularly like those, but you never know if you never try.
While at the market I couldn't help noticing the ferris wheel that looked like the London Eye's baby brother. Or sister. I feel like someone out there is going to be mad at me for gendering that thing, but the important thing is: there is a freaking ferris wheel in Helsinki! It's right next to the Allas Sea Pool, which would be awesome to visit if time isn't an issue. I mean, it has a sea pool, regular pool, a sauna (duh, you're in Finland) and loads of restuarants. Not that I knew any of that when I first saw the ferris wheel. I was too busy whether or not I'd risk wetting myself while nothaving any clean clothes on hand, just for a nice view. The answer was YES. No matter how bad my vertigo is, in the end my answer to ferris wheels is always YES.
The SkyWheel Helsinki isn't huge, so I honestly wasn't expecting all that much. As it turned out the ferris wheel is the best thing you can do though when you want to see Helsinki, but have a limited amount of time. On the way up you get the most amazing view of the harbour, with all its ferries rolling in and islands in the distance. There's something new to look at every single minute. It just doesn't get boring. Then, once you go down again, you'll see the city and most of its major landmarks. No need to hurry and rush for pictures, you'll get three full rounds in the ferris wheel. And if you've got balls and some money to spend, you can go in a cart with a see-through bottom. I am not ashamed to admit I happily passed on that opportunity.


After the ferris wheel we headed back to the airport. There wasn't enough time for much more aimless wandering, but there'd been enough time to see a good bit of Helsinki. It might not sound like the ideal flight schedule, but if you're from Europe and want to go to Asia Finnair has some great deals; just see the long stop-over in Helsinki as a bonus! It is in no way a bad thing. You'll know what I mean when you find yourself walking through beautiful parks while eating ice cream from one of the city's countless ice cream shops ;)

Guys, I'm back!
'Was she even gone?' I can hear some of you think. Well, yeah. I was gone. About a month ago I put my last blog post online and disappeared for the summer. All this time I've been thinking about a way to explain where I'd gone and what I'd been doing since that last post went up. Let me tell you this: the simple answer "I was on vacation in Southeast Asia" doesn't even begin to cover it.

I've been in Finland, Thailand, Laos and Cambodia. I turned 21 in Bangkok, obsessed over street art everywhere and sat in countless tuktuks. I've slept on mattresses on the floor, queen sized beds, the chairs of uncomfortable minivans and everything inbetween. I stood in the back of a pick-up truck, got stuck in a bamboo raft with my bracelets and had a mud fight in an elephant sanctuary. I made way too many jokes about the Mekong river, flat islands, and Freek Vonk (Dutchies will understand). I couldn't escape Ed Sheeran, but listened to Nico & Vinz all the time to quote them in the title of this blog post. I met people from Austria, Canada, Scotland, Australia and even one from my hometown (she was a bit stuck-up though). I spoke English, Dutch and German at the same time. I even learned a bit of Lao: Koi mak mung Lao! I like Laos!

I cycled, walked, went on boats, buses and planes. The only thing I didn't do was run. Instead I swam: in oceans, rivers and waterfalls. I drank awesome banana shakes, great banana shakes and not a single bad one. I learned about Buddhism, the way the Vietnam war affected Laos, and the Khmer Rouge. I took over 800 pictures, made four vlogs and countless memories. Then, after four weeks of travelling through Southeast Asia, I sat down on a Thai island and wrote everything down. From the rocky start in Bangkok to the jungle trek in Chiang Mai and the slow boat that took me to Luang Prabang in Laos. I wrote about the Lao capital Vientiane and then about Phnom Penh in Cambodia. I went on to write about Siem Reap and Angkor Wat, then finished my writing marathon with Ko Samet, the Thai island where I sat writing on the front porch of a cabin with sea view. I had pictures and stories for over 20 blog posts. By the time I was done it was time to go home.

So where have I been? Everywhere. Nowhere. I lost myself in jungles and on rivers, found myself in the countryside and busy cities of Southeast Asia. Now I'm back home in the Netherlands, but that's not the end of the adventure. For you guys it's just the beginning. Over 20 stories about Southeast Asia are in my drafts, waiting to be told. I hope you'll stick around for a while to listen.