Zero Gravity

by - 6:00 PM


My grandma was hospitalized in early April. My family and I weren't too bothered; Grandma had been hospitalized quite often in the years since her younger brother's death, which pushed her into a state of apathy towards life in general. Yet every time she was hospitalized, she looked Death in the eyes and said: "I don't think so. Not today."

While my grandma was recovering from pneumonia, I traveled to Austria. Slovakia. Ireland, Nothern Ireland, Belgium. While I was in Belfast, my parents were called into the hospital to say goodbye to grandma. But once again, grandma looked Death in the eyes and said: "I don't think so. Not today."

May rolled around. I spent a weekend in Ghent with Ella from Ella Was Here. I woke up in the early hours of Saturday morning, thinking there was something wrong with Grandma. My parents didn't call me though, so that night I watched the Eurovision Songfestival with Ella as if nothing serious was going on back home. Australia's song struck a chord with me. Its lyrics were based on the singer's experience with postpartum depression. "It feels like zero gravity". In the weeks that followed, that line would describe my entire emotional state.

My grandma turned 86 on May 19th. She'd been transferred to a hospice three weeks earlier, her health deteriorating every day. I refused to say goodbye to her on her birthday, although grandma had already made up her mind. "You guys have to clean up well today," she told us, "because I won't be here tomorrow."

The next day, my grandma passed away. She passed away in the town where she was born, on her own terms, on the day she had in mind. And we were left behind. I cried in lectures. I missed seminars. I addressed almost 50 envelopes with mourning cards. I arranged the pictures for the funeral. I wrote a eulogy. I did more to organize the funeral than my family had expected. I floated through the days. It did indeed feel like zero gravity.

Time stood still for me, but moved on swiftly for everyone else. I remember standing next to grandma's coffin, more than 80 pairs of eyes on me as I read the eulogy out loud. I remember my nose starting to drip and tears streaming down my face as I told about grandma singing me songs about horses and saying "So!" when she was proud of me. I remember falling sick after the funeral. I remember breaking down from exhaustion.

Three weeks after the funeral, I was far behind on all my university assignments. Once I'd finished those, I finally had time to cry and mourn. It didn't help much. My grandma and I had a strained relationship. She never truly acknowledged my achievements, instead changed the topic to those of my cousins. I never truly tried to connect with her, because she preferred my cousins anyway, I thought.

Almost all of June was spent in my zero gravity state. I was angry. I tried to forgive my grandma for the way she'd treated me, because I know she was a product of her time. But I spent nights crying and asking an empty room why, just why couldn't she tell me that she was proud of me, that she loved me, that I mattered. Why?

I crashed down to earth after handing in my final university assignment. It signaled the end of the ordeal that started in April. So here I am now, not knowing how to start over again, where to go, or how to deal with all the unresolved issues that grandma left me with. I guess, as always, that this just means I'll continue posting on my blog to escape life. I guess, for now, that that'll do.

x Envy

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4 Fellow Ramblers

  1. This post definitely hit a cord with me. Last year, my own Grandmother decided to end her own life and a year on I still cannot think of the words to process what has happened. I'm angry, confused and emotional wreck - I held off from grieving for the entirety of my final year of university and only now am I beginning to process. Feeling as if you are in zero gravity is a feeling that I relate too. For me, I just try to remember it all about my Nan, the good and certainly the bad and in a way it helps. Here if you ever need to talk x

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    1. I'm so sorry to hear about your Grandmother. I know it's not worth much, but at least your Grandmother went on her own terms. If I've learned one thing from my Grandma's passing, it's that those last moments and having agency over them matter more than most people think.
      Up until I got therapy, I felt just like you did. As university students, it's "easy" to put grieving on hold. It's like people expect that from us...

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  2. I'm so sorry for your loss and wish you love and peace. I lost my grandad 2 years ago and I'm still hit by waves of sadness now and then. Grief isn't a linear process and allow yourself the time and space you need to heal and move on. I realise it's also hard when things feel unresolved and the relationship was strained, but I hope you can come to terms with things and find peace eventually, do it at your own pace and put your mental and emotional health first xx

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    1. It's definitely not a linear process... Somtimes I still wake up sad, or get angry that she didn't acknowledge some little thing I once did. I went to therapy for the whole situation and feel much better now, but it'll be while before I'm back to normal, whatever that may be.

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