After our Peru trip my Dad still had two more weeks of his vacation left. He grabbed our stuff, grabbed my Mom, grabbed me, threw it all in the car and drove to France. We went to the same campground as last year, but found out it had changed. Or maybe I should say that the crowd on the campground had changed. Last year we were surrounded by friendly Germans, funny Frenchmen and quiet but nice Dutch people. This year... let's just say it was quite different. In a way it was worth it. Never before have I seen such a weird crowd on a single campground. With a little pride I can now present you: Envy's Guide to European Campers in their Natural Habitat. It's even got illustrations!

The Screamers
Imagine you wake up in the middle of the night. You know it's cold and dark outside, but you have to pee right now or you sleeping bag will smell like pee for the rest of your vacation. So you make your way out of your tent, through the dark to the sanitary building.
All of a sudden you hear a giggle coming out of nowhere. After a few seconds of panicky thoughts about ghost stories, you hear a voice. Just a normal voice telling a story about a cat, a movie, doesn't matter what. First of all it's a relief - no ghosts around here - but then you realize not only you, but everyone on the campground can enjoy this delightful story.

Some people just don't understand that a tent is not a house. Everyone can hear them tell their story. Not only awkward for them, but also for the ones accidentaly listening. I don't know about you, but I don't want to know what a stranger did to their girlfriend last night, whether or not their mom walked in and how she did or did not react. I just don't want to know. But unless I walk around the campground with earplugs I will hear certain things I didn't want to know. These people aren't just talking, they're screaming. Screaming things I'd rather not know. I've heard everything this summer from a trip to India to the proper way to raise a chihuahua. And some details about some relationships that have scarred me for life...

The Grill Masters
They don't touch an oven in months. If possible, they avoid the kitchen for a whole year. In case of emergency it's in, raid the fridge and out again. But as soon as they jump out of their car onto the campground, they become self-proclaimed master chefs, the absolute masters of the grill, barbecue gods. They race to the supermarket to buy enough meat to feed the entire population of West Africa. Everything is thrown on the barbeque - and instantly incinerated.
These people are easy to find on the campground: just follow the smoke. Nine out of ten times you'll find a man standing behind the barbeque (if you can see him through the smoke), boasting about his great cooking skills. His wife won't complain about burned sausages, she's just glad she doesn't have to cook on her vacation. The kids won't complain either; after all Mommy has promised them they'll go to McDonald's tomorrow if they eat their ashy steaks. And so the man continues to throw meat into the roaring flames, making sure that everyone can see and smell that he is the absolute best cook on the campground.



The Fashionistas
When I go camping I don't really care what I'm wearing. You can see me walking to the toilets in brown sweat pants and a Batman sweater all day. I'm already walking around with toilet paper under my arm, how much worse can it get? Besides, everyone looks like that, nobody cares. Until the fashionistas arrive at the campground... Suddenly every day turns into a fashion show. Every piece of clothing you wear will be judged. And these girls, or guys in some rare cases, never take a break from being judgemental.
On my last camping trip I had the opportunity to observe two fashionistas from up close. I even counted the number of times they changed clothes: three to six times a day (putting on pj's before going to bed doesn't count in this observation). Their day revolves around clothes and judging others. They spend most of their day hanging out near the toilets, talking about how stupid everyone looks. They're almost as easy to spot as the people who think a campfire and a barbeque are the same thing. The girls are extremely thin and they all wear fashionable summer clothes - even when it's way too cold for dresses and short skirts. The guys have at least seven different caps or pairs of sunglasses. None of these people are wearing shoes fit for walking in a city, let alone on a campground. Worst of all: they're hypocrites. Judging people for wearing a Batman sweater? Rather not, but if you must, don't do it while you are wearing a Sesame Street sweater yourself. That's a tad hypocrite. My advise: if you're not one of them, stay away from them. Even if that means you have to walk an extra mile to the other sanitary building on the other end of the campground.

The Internet Addicts
These people don't need an explanation. You find them in high places - literally. I've seen them in trees, on top of RVs, on top of table tennis tables, just about everywhere. They will do anything for reception, spend huge parts of their day looking for it. But believe me, find yourself a pair of these and you won't need the internet for your entertainment.

Want to know more about crazy European camping life? Read all about camping on European soil here.