Lost in Translation: September 2013

4 Fellow Ramblers

Dear freshmen,
Welcome to your new school! Must be exciting, after eight years of elementary school, to be in this huge building full of frightening older kids. But don't worry, you've come this far already, you'll get past all the other problems too. Within a few weeks, you'll start noticing the chewing gum under the tables, the outdated posters and annoying older students.
As long as you don't touch the chewing gum you'll be fine. And those outdated posters can easily be ignored. But the older students... I'm afraid you'll have to learn to live with those for the next couple of years. But now that you're a freshman, they'll all act as if you're an unworthy piece of **** in the worst case or ignore you in the best.
Okay, high school doesn't sound like much fun anymore now, does it?
No worries, Envy is here to help you. Just five years ago, I was a freshman of the most helpless kind. I learned the rules of high school quickly and now tha I'm a senior, I feel like it's time to pass my 'knowledge' one. Here are my four tips for surviving freshmen year!

#1: Think before you talk

Everyone says stupid things; it's in our nature. But remember that you're a freshman: everything you say can and will be used against you. So at least try to think before you talk.

A few years ago I was walking through the A-hall of my school (every hall's got a different letter, classrooms are numbered A1, A2 etc.). There was a freshman standing in front of classroom A10. He was on the edge of a panick attack and screamed to his friends: 'Guys, we're going to be late if we don't find classroom A10 real quick! Hurry, we've got to find it!'

I understand that you don't want to walk around with a map of the school in your hands, but looking around won't hurt you. Don't scream that you can't find your classroom if you're right in front of it. Using your eyes can save you from emberrasment.

#2: Learn the hallway rules

Don't run. Don't walk headfirst into another group of students. Don't play tag in the hallways.

They're unwritten laws. Learn them quick and avoid drowning in a stream of hyperactive juniors. Besides, nothing is more annoying than accidentaly dropping your sandwich on the floor because a freshman wanted to play tag and bumped into you.

Nobody likes losing their sandwich because you guys miss playtime.

(Yes, this is a case of sour grapes. Way too many of my sandwiches have met the floor because of these kids).

#3: Respect your elders

What annoys older students most about freshmen is that they're everywhere. Bouncing up and down the stairs, running through the school hall, having lunch in front of lockers...

Blocking the hallway with a group of ten is another definite no-go. But if you really want to cause a traffic jam, make sure there's still enough room skinny seniors to squeeze through so they can reach their classrooms. If you don't step aside and an older student is having a bad day, they'll knock you over like a bowling pin. Be the better person of the two and step aside.

At the lockers you'll find yourself in a similar situation. Even if you're too big to be stuffed into a locker, it's a good idea to avoid irritation with the senior whose locker's above yours. Take a small step aside and both of you will be able to reach into your locker at the same time. Besides, if you're nice to your 'neighbors', there's a fair chance of becoming friends with them. That's how my friendship with V. started when we were freshmen, so don't tell me this doesn't work (unless your neighbor is an asshole; in that case it's okay to annoy them).

#4: Keep your head up

The most important thing I've got to say: don't let them bring you down. Always remember that those mean seniors were once frightened freshmen too. The ones that call you names have been picked on the most in their freshmen year. The ones that call you dwarves are probably the smallest in their year. In the past I used to say at least ten times a year that the new freshmen are so small (I'm 5'6" and a bit), whereas T. (who's at least 6'6") syas it maybe once or twice. So ignore these remarks and you'll be fine ;)

Good luck with your freshmen year! Believe me, it won't be that bad. It's going to be awesome, but over before you've fully realized it has begun.

And when you come back next year, remember to be nice to the new freshmen. You know how hard it can be to be in their shoes.

No Fellow Ramblers

6 Fellow Ramblers

In the short 17 years of my life, I've camped on three continents: North America, Australia (or Oceania if that's what makes you happy) and ofcourse my own continent, Europe.
Of all three, Europe is the one that has caused me the most trouble. Yes, I am bored with my own continent, but that's not the reason why camping here puts me through so much trouble. So I present you: Envy's list of awful things on European campgrounds.

The Wild Animals

I was eight when I camped in the US. We were on a campground near the Grand Canyon and at night I could hear the coyotes howl. They howled loud, it sounded as if they had surrounded our tent.

I was sixteen when I camped in the Australian Outback. I woke up at night to hear something creep between our swags. The Chinese next to me woke up and began talking to his fiancee in rapid Kantonese. The only word I understood was 'Dingo!'

But the thing is: you expect these things when you go camping there. You know about the coyotes and dingoes. But in Europe, the most dangerous animal you can encounter is the campgroundowner's cat. Or at least, that's what it feels like (especially the Dutch tend to forget that the wolf has made its comeback in the Netherlands, or that bears are still living in the Pyrenees).

You don't expect 'dangerous' wild animals that might bite you, not in the safe heaven called Europe. So what happens if your tent almost gets washed away in a storm and you wake up to the sounds of a fox trying to enter your tent? You scream, fall of your air mattress and shake the entire tent until the fox leaves. That's how we handle unexpected encounters the Envy-style.

The Sanitary Buildings

I'll never forget that my tour guide in the Kakadu National Park, Northern Territory, Australia, told me to check underneath the toilet seat for redbacks if I had to go to the toilet.

No such things in Europe. Cobwebs: yes. Dangerous spiders: no. Snails: everywhere. Sometimes there were snails on the bathroom walls. At least they're not dangerous, only gross. But as disgusting as that is, it's not the big problem with European sanitary buildings on campgrounds.

Then what ís the problem? They're dirty. More often than not the toilet hasn't been flushed. Don't even ask when it was cleaned for the last time, just don't. And in the really bad cases, people crap literally on the toilet seat and just leave it there. It's so disgusting.

Yes, I've seen this in Australia and the US too, but not half as often as in Europe.

And to increase the fun of going to the toilet, the French have invented those toilets which aren't much more than a hole in the ground. Missed the hole? No problem, there's a garden hose to wash it away- if you're lucky. Otherwise: run and don't look back.

The Language Barriers

With Dutch language education at a miserably low level, camping in Europe isn't as easy as it sounds. In Australia and the US English is enough, you're good to go wherever you want. But Europe is a patchwork of languages. Going to France? Make sure you speak French. Going to Germany? Better learn some German.

But the worst of it is not being able to communicate with your neigbors. Asking them to be quiet will have to be done in their language. English isn't an option, unless you start dropping F-bombs, which will only make things worse.

The Pink Toilet Paper

Sometimes you're at a campground that doesn't provide toilet paper and you'll have to get your own. Which isn't a problem. Just get the cheapest toilet paper available from the supermarket. And then you see that the cheapest toilet paper is pink.

Going to the toilet just got at least a hundred times worse. Walking to the sanitary building with toilet paper under your arm is like screaming: 'Look at me, I'm a big girl, I'm going to pee and poop all by myself already!'

The same thing with pink toilet paper is like screaming: 'Look at me, I'm going to have a Disney Princess Tea Party on the crapper!'

I can stand the noisy neigbors, I will survive the animals and dirty sanitary building. But PINK toilet paper? That's it, Europe, you've crossed a line. I'm out.

10 Fellow Ramblers

#1: Think before you talk

#2: Learn the hallway rules

#3: Respect your elders

#4: Keep your head up

The Wild Animals

The Sanitary Buildings

The Language Barriers

The Pink Toilet Paper

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