Show Your Scars

by - 9:07 PM

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but some words will always keep hurting. I will always take them with me, wear them like invisible scars. But just because they're invisible, it doesn't mean they're not here. They're a big part of me, a part people don't know and understand. So for once I'll show you my scars and explain the world how I got them. I'm not doing this to see people tell me I'm none of the things I've been called in the past, no, I just want the world to see how much damage words can do.

Let me start with the oldest scar. The one right at the start of this post. I got it from a teacher in 6th grade.
You know that one kid in class who knows the answer to every question? The Hermione? That used to be me. I raised my hand at every question, corrected my teachers when they were wrong and spent most of my time daydreaming because I finished all my work so quickly. My teachers didn't like that.
One day though, our math book gave an unclear instruction and I couldn't figure out what to do. When I asked my teacher for help, she saw her chance and grabbed it.
"Now you're not so smart anymore, are you? Where's your big mouth now?" she ranted in front of the whole class. "Don't think you're smart. You always think you're oh so smart, but you're not! You're worthless!"
My classmates laughed as I looked down in shame, tears streaming down my face. The words hurt me and the one that hurts me most stuck to my skin. I't been eight years, but I can still see this scar clear as day. The sad thing is that it wasn't the only scar I was given by a 6th grade teacher.

There were only a few days left of 6th grade when I got this one. Out of nowhere, my teacher decided to bring me down after I'd given the correct answer to a question.
"Envy, you're such a know-it-all. It's extremely annoying. If you go on like this, you'll never have any friends. All teachers will hate a know-it-all like you."
Again my classmates laughed as I cried with frustration. I took the hits and blows, knowing I'd be out of that school soon. But the scars stayed, as ugly reminders of my days in 6th grade hell.

I hoped I wouldn't add any new scars to my collection once I entered high school, but after one look at my face, my new classmates decided I was ugly. Everyone knows that ugly girls should be bullied, so that's exactly what my classmates did. My mentor knew about it, but didn't do anything to help me, because 'the other kids are right, Envy is ugly'.
You'll never forget that feeling of knowing that everyone around you thinks you're ugly. You get insulted and mocked, even your friends take part in it. And over time, the insults become more and more creative, more and more hurtful.
"Damn, your nose is so huge!"
"Your eyebrows make you look like an orangutan!"
"If an orc had a miscarriage that'd somehow live and grow up, it'd look just like you!"
At some point you can't shake it off anymore. It's like the insults get etched into your skin, deeper and deeper. The insult I heard most was this single simple word. Ugly. My other invisible scars might disappear one day, years from now maybe. This one never will.


The last scar I'll show isn't as old as the others. I got it recently, in September 2015. Meghan Trainor had kickstarted skinny shaming just a couple months earlier and so one of my oldest friends thought it was okay to call me "anorexic". This one hurt terribly, not just because the blow came from a friend I'd seen as the sister I'd never had, but also because I'd lost weight because I'd been sick for a couple of days. It was weight I didn't want to lose and when my friend pointed out that guys don't like girls my size and that I looked like I had anorexia, I broke down. I cried myself to sleep that night.


Now that I've shown my scars, I don't know what to do. I feel vulnerable and weak. Hurt and, to be honest, quite ugly and worthless. But my scars are part of who I am, they made me this person I am today. I hope you can respect that. I hope  you can understand how they have affected the way I look at and think about myself. But most of all I hope you'll be kind to others and never scar them the way I've been scarred.

Stay Awesome!

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18 Fellow Ramblers

  1. this is so beautiful <3 thank you for sharing that with us. you're so brave. are those photos yours? Because holy crap they are stunning. absolutely stunning.
    thank you again <3

    stay strong gorgeous <3

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    1. Thank you. I think it's important to get stories like mine out there so people see what harm they can do with simple words. And yes, the photos are all mine :) I still have the A from anorexic on my stomach, it won't come off for some reason... XD

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  2. I love this post, it's absolutely beautiful, but so so sad. It must have taken a lot of courage to write about this and share it publicly, and I know I never could have managed it.
    My little brother had a teacher like your one from 6th grade; she was always mean to him and humiliated him in front of his class, and he was also bullied by his peers. They called him a know-it-all too, and one of them even went online and called him the devil. I can't say I understand how you feel, but I have seen the effect this stuff has on people and it makes me so upset. But I feel like posts like this one can seriously help both people who are bullied, and also their bullies. So well done, and thank you for being so brave ❤️
    Little Robin xxx

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    1. Thank you. It wasn't easy to write this, but I felt like it had to be done. I hope I can help others who are going through the same things and I certainly hope that people start thinking about what they say.
      That's a terrible thing that happened to your little brother. Did you manage to get the online bullying removed from wherever it was posted? When I was bullied the internet wasn't really a part of life yet, but I do know that one girl with red hair in my class was called 'Carrot' by bullies and they made an 'We hate carrots' page on Facebook. Which the girl then liked because she didn't know it was aimed at her...

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  3. Hey D: You are not ugly and you are most certainly not anorexic! Anorexia is a medical condition when you have a very decreased appetite/intake of food. To call a skinny person anorexic is wrong. And you're not skinny at all. You're just fine! As long you're not getting sick, taking trips to the hospital or feeling physically ill, you are healthy and beautiful.

    This was a great post by the way. It certainly gave me some ideas :)

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    1. Ooh ideas, I'm already looking forward to hearing about them :)
      I know I'm not anorexic, but I do have those thoughts about being fat when I'm not. That's why I stay away from scales and don't think about what I eat. My friend knows this, which is yet another reason why that insult hurt so much... She said it partly because she'd put on weight and didn't feel good about herself -_-"

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  4. Envy, each and everything; I understand.

    You know what words do best? They make you believe the things you shouldn't trust. If you weren't called a 'know-it-all', you would have been going well. If you weren't called allll these nasty things, it would have been different. The words, with their ability to change, are very destructive.
    I hope you get rid of these scars. I know they're hard to go away. But the person you've become is SURELY stronger than that. You're more than others' words and you're more than the digits on your scale. You're a human being who's faces it all. Keep going my friend <3

    Noor | Noor's Place

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    1. I'll keep going. The words may have scarred me, but they won't get my down to where I was all those years ago. The problem is that they've been repeated so often that I was almost forced to believe they were true. Now people use different words to describe me, but it'll be a while before they are stronger than the negative words

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  5. You are so brave to be able to open up and share these scars. I hope that someday these scars would heal even though it will be hard to. These scars however, made you a stronger person and i hope you will remain stronger in everything you have to encounter. Just remember that you are more than all these words that had being thrown at you. Stay positive and keep on being yourself regardless of what people say.

    LuminarySkylar.blogspot.com

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    1. Brace or stupid? I'm still not sure about that :P The scars are slowly healing, but I wish they'd hurry up... I'm trying to listen to positive comments from the people around me, so I can find balance and move on :)

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  6. You're stronger than you even know. You came all this way despite going through all this and you still have such a long way to go. What they said, doesn't speak anything about you, it speaks a lot about them. I know, what they said might be hurtful and will take a long time to get over but I hope you do.
    Much love.

    -Kathie K
    A Sea Change

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    1. Stronger, maybe. Right now I don't feel so strong anymore. Sharing this post took a lot of energy. I hope I get over it all too :)

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  7. Envy,
    I know how badly words can hurt. Part of the reason why I joined the blogging world is to put some hopefully inspirational words out there that maybe someone will read them and decide that they can survive. The best but somehow hardest thing to do is train yourself to say that you are worth it and you are good enough. I know you are getting there and I am, too. It's an every day battle but you have all of us here to back you up and remind you of what an amazing person you are! We love you and will support you :)
    ~Helen

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    1. It's so good to see people like you, who know the power of words, comment on this post!
      I still have trouble telling myself I'm worth it, but I've got some amazing friends who help me with that :) Thank you so much for your kind comment!

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  8. You're so amazingly brave to share this with the world.
    xx

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    1. Thank you. I think it's an important message to share.

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  9. What a beautifully written post.

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I solemnly swear that I am up to no good! Wait, no, I mean: I solemnly swear that I will answer each and every comment ;)